Ah, the British.  Give Britain’s millions of wayward youths (chavs, wankers, you know the ones) credit for doing their darnedest to erase the international Anglo image of expensive hats, peerages, and porcelain clocks.  In ten years, when we think “U.K.” it’ll be casual sex, knife fights, and reckless drinking.  This story more or less summarizes the story of Future Britain: Miss England, Rachel Christie, attacked Miss Manchester, Sara Beverley Jones, in the wee hours at a nightclub.

Miss England has relinquished her crown.  The fight was over a man.  His name is “Tornado,” and he is the British equivalent of an American Gladiator.  More details, ATJ: Continue »

So.  Chris Brown’s interview on MTV and Rihanna’s interview on 20/20 will both air tomorrow (Friday), and this thing is looking to be a barnburner, folks.  A short clip of Rihanna’s segment with Diane Sawyer has been released, and it’s pretty damning.  A few of Rihanna’s claims:

• CORRECTION: You in the comments are right – it is not clear in the clip whether Rihanna is saying she herself was beat eight or nine times.  We’ll see tomorrow, I guess.
• Rihanna was embarrassed to confide in anyone about the violence because she “didn’t want people to think that’s the kind of person… I fell in love with that person.  It’s humiliating to say this happened. To accept that? It’s a traumatizing experience.”
• Rihanna left Chris because she felt an obligation as a role model to show girls that domestic abuse is never acceptable: “Any girl who is going through domestic violence: Don’t react off of love. F love. To come out of the situation and look at it third-person and for what it really is, you then make your decision. Because love is so blinding.”

How does Brown plan to address this?  And why Rihanna’s decision to drop these bombs now?  Well…   Continue »

Let me be the first to admit that this is not a story.  It is just a series of vaguely nonsense details describing the type of non-event that happens in a bar and you retell it the next day, excitedly, as though it were an event, but it is not.  You always do this, and no one wants to hear your stupid stories!

People want to hear Mischa Barton’s stories, though.  (Literally.  People literally want to know about the things that Mischa Barton does.  Think about that.)  Anyway, Mischa Barton got in a bar fight over Halloween!  It was so crazy!  After the jump.   Continue »

It’s always pretty funny when this stuff happens: Tyler Synon, an unemployed 22-year-old who appeared on season 2 of VH1’s Tool Academy, was arrested for acting like a jack@ss in a bar over the weekend.  According to the police report, the kid

“had been having an issue with another group of guests” and was asked to leave. Synon allegedly “took a swing” at the employee who asked him to get out, then “hit a wall and a sign” as he was exiting the bar, causing damage to both.

Drunken assault and property damage that isn’t even funny: definitely the one-two punch of tool infractions.  No more Jager for you!  Here’s the best detail:   Continue »

At one point or another we’ve all asked ourselves, “Which Kardashian would I fight?”  While the answer is obviously “Bruce Jenner,” you can now take them all on, provided you have the cash.

TKO Boxing presents the “Kardashian Charity Knock Out“. This is your chance to step into the ring and duke it out with your favorite Keeping up With The Kardashians cast member for a good cause. Kim, Khloe, Bruce, Rob, and Scott are looking for you to raise money for their favorite charity. Winners will box the Kardashians cast at the Commerce Casino on November 3rd for a televised taping of “Keeping Up with The Kardashians”.

No Kourtney?  Look you may be “pregnant” (whatever that is), but this is for charity, so let’s not be selfish for a change. Specifically, it’s for the Dream Foundation, the “largest national wish granting organization for adults battling life-threatening illness.”  Don’t you want those adults’ wishes to come true, Kourtney Kardashian?   Continue »

Bullies are all around us: breathing the air we breathe, walking the roads we walk, sticking our heads in the toilets we get our heads stuck in.  But how do you fight back when bullies are bigger, stronger, and better than you?  Let BullySmartTM For Kids show you how!

This quirky little ’80s throwback video teaches you all kinds of ways to deflect a bully attack.  ”Another effective slap is to the bully’s groin.”  Nice work!  You just made things real weird – your move, bully!  You could also throw your candy in the bully’s face (stuns and confuses the aggressor) or use a rolled-up magazine on him.  Watch, after the jump, and then try these helpful techniques next time El Loco Fist is allowed back into the genpop!   Continue »

Venice, jewel of Europe, peaceful siphon of American tourist dollars, target… for DISASTER.  In a continuing attempt to slake the moviegoing public’s ravenous appetite for dangerous animals in unlikely places, Hollywood has offered us Sharks in Venice, now, as FilmDrunk notes, available on DVD.

The seemingly tranquil waterways of Venice are terrorized by the perfect killing machine. In search of his father who has mysteriously disappeared diving in the city [Ed: three guesses], David stumbles across the cryptic trail leading to the long-lost fortune of the Medici. As the unwitting pawn in a Mafia plot to recover the treasure, David’s girlfriend is kidnapped at gunpoint, plunging him into a desperate race against time…

It is important to note that David is played by Stephen Baldwin, the one who baptized Spencer Pratt in the holy rivers of I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! If the trailer above isn’t enough to convince you to buy the movie, be sure to admire the special effects, plus a sneak peak at the next “organisms where they aren’t supposed to be” films in production, after the jump.   Continue »

The Australian government’s Ministry of Killing Everyone’s Buzz has decided to slap a super-weak limitation on drinking at the Bathurst 1000 three-day auto race in New South Wales.  Only 24 cans of beer allowed per day!  It’s like, I’m sorry, I thought this was a party, not a quiet dinner with my family.

The “one-slab” limit was first imposed in 2007, with police insisting drunken hooligans were tarnishing the reputation of the race and causing disruption in town.

Those choosing to drink lower-strength beer will be allowed to bring in 36 cans, police said.

However, there is a trick that may allow Australians to get around these transgressions against basic human freedoms…   Continue »

It has been a lean year for douchebags: from douchebag titans of finance (Fuld, Madoff) to douchebag juggernauts of entertainment (Bale, Francis, Gosselin) to douchebag leaders of the free world (Berlusconi, Cheney), the last twelve months have seen the hammer fall hard on our beautiful planet’s ego-enlarged and perspective-challenged assh*les.

Thankfully, our finest comedians have toed up to the times to heckle them as they beat a retreat to the douche-trenches (but when we exult in their douche-pain, do we not become that which we despise?  Is not the douche… inside all of us?).  Andy Samberg, Aziz Ansari, and obviously Stephen Colbert are very good when they wear the douche suit.  But Nick Kroll and John Daly have been killing it as well.  “Rich D*cks” was magical.  Their latest, “The Ed Hardy Boyz,” in which the intrepid pair attempt to solve the Case of the Missing Sick Belt Buckle for their boss, Christian Audigier, is only slightly less lafftastic.  If it is laffs you seek, though, you will find them.  Video after the jump.   Continue »

Hot new track burning up the British charts here.  “Don’t Shank, Just Skank” is a tune by rappers Donaeo, Rollin’ G, and a few others, and it is, in addition to being a certified club-bumper, also a certified Public Service Announcement Against Knife Crimes.  If you weren’t aware, the UK has a bit of a “citizens stabbing each other to death” problem, enough so that there is a governmental taskforce (TKAP or “Tackling Knives Action Programme”) and an active campaign to reduce knife-carrying “among 10 to 16 year olds.” (!!)

The campaign is called “It Doesn’t Have To Happen,” which is completely sensible.  By no means do senseless stabbing deaths have to happen, and yet it took a catchy hip-hop song to teach all of us that (us = you, over on that dystopian, gin-soaked, knife-crazy island).

Remember, kids: not so much with the shanking, definitely as much as possible with the skanking.

Source: BBC via The Awl.