Skip to about halfway through the video, watch it, and don’t ever say I never did anything for you.

Are these guys speaking Russian?  I think they are, because in Soviet Russia… drinking has YOU problem!

Actually no, it works the same way over there as it does here.  But speaking of problems, has anyone been watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew?  Those people have a really problematic amount of sex!  They’re like, “It’s ruining my life, the fact that I have sex with so many women all the time.”  On the one hand, addiction is a very serious and traumatic psychological condition suffered by millions of Americans every day.  On the other hand, f*ck you, xtreme athlete who wears sunglasses inside and brings his damn surfboard to rehab.

Via VideoSift.

Fascinating study here from Ad Age that more or less confirms your predilections and prejudices about different beer brands.  A company called Mindset Media polled over 2,000 beer drinkers about their lifestyles.  Some of the data is not surprising (Bud Light is favored by “frat boys”!), but some of it validates more elusive stereotypes you sort of identified but never could quite articulate: “Corona drinkers are 91% more likely than average to buy recycled products and 38% more likely to own three or more flat-screen TVs.”  Corona, the beer of choice for the wealthy, kind, happy, thoughtful people you hate.

But what of Budweiser, Heineken, and craft beers?  After the jump.   Continue »

This is kind of funny.  Sorry, what I meant to say is, “Breaking the law is never funny.”  But if it were, ever, this might be one of those times.  CNN examines three cases of self-calling intoxication, two in which a drunk driver reports his or her own crime to 911 and one in which a cop who ate a bunch of confiscated weed thinks he is dying.  Although CNN does end it rather judgmentally: those who are without sin, cast the first stone and such.  Hey, guess what, CNN?  I don’t drink and drive.  I resent the implication that I have enough money to own a motor vehicle.

Via The Frisky.

Let me be the first to admit that this is not a story.  It is just a series of vaguely nonsense details describing the type of non-event that happens in a bar and you retell it the next day, excitedly, as though it were an event, but it is not.  You always do this, and no one wants to hear your stupid stories!

People want to hear Mischa Barton’s stories, though.  (Literally.  People literally want to know about the things that Mischa Barton does.  Think about that.)  Anyway, Mischa Barton got in a bar fight over Halloween!  It was so crazy!  After the jump.   Continue »

It’s always pretty funny when this stuff happens: Tyler Synon, an unemployed 22-year-old who appeared on season 2 of VH1’s Tool Academy, was arrested for acting like a jack@ss in a bar over the weekend.  According to the police report, the kid

“had been having an issue with another group of guests” and was asked to leave. Synon allegedly “took a swing” at the employee who asked him to get out, then “hit a wall and a sign” as he was exiting the bar, causing damage to both.

Drunken assault and property damage that isn’t even funny: definitely the one-two punch of tool infractions.  No more Jager for you!  Here’s the best detail:   Continue »

Here’s Vanilla Ice encouraging South Africans to drink Castle Lite beer.  He busts out the parachute pants and the ’90s moves, and even the black guys get into it (but not too into it).  Thanks to Vanilla Ice and Castle LiteTM for reminding us that despite our difficult and recent struggle with apartheid, light beer and white rappers are two great things we can all agree on.  Seriously, though, it looks like Vanilla Ice has not aged or changed since the fall of Communism.  The more things change, the more Vanilla Ice stays the same.  I can see Vanilla Ice pitching his ideas for the commercial to the South African producers: “I thought that at the end I might yell, ‘1990 is back for good, baby!’”  And they were like, “Ahh hmm let’s just stick to the script for now, ok buddy?”

Via BuzzFeed.

Americans love to hate our celebrity degenerates.  There is an aspect of things lurid and inaccessible to us that fascinates – I can’t be sitting around shooting heroin all the time because these spreadsheets aren’t going to spread themselves, etc. – but we’re also unsympathetic and spiteful like, hey Britney Spears, how dare you be so rich and famous and still think you have a right to have problems.  Of course, we also like to see successful people fail in humiliating ways, and Kanye West sort of responds to all that with his new Spike Jonze-directed short film We Were Once a Fairytale.

The film opens with Kanye drunk in the club, being obnoxious in a way that could only make sense to a really blitzed person.  (“I just wanted to f*cking have a good time, and somebody sends this stupid-@ss bottle over!  I don’t want any special treatment!”  How come when some people get drunk, they insist on paying for things for no reason?  That is a pretty inconvenient drunken reflex, in general.)  Kanye of stumbles through a crowd of disapproval-faced people (SOCIETY), acting the fool, and then he has sort of an Alien chest-burst moment in the bathroom.  Anyway, usually celebrities answer allegations of breakdowns and bad behavior through careful publicist statements, but Kanye’s pretty much saying, I brought this all on myself, but I don’t like it any more than you do (upside of a big ego: you own your flaws).  And everyone is like, yup, that’s our Kanye, always falling all over Fonzworth Bentley in the club and then tearing demon squirrels out of his intestines.  The whole short, after the jump.   Continue »

Semi-serious discussion about the intersection of art and rape?  As if, Georges Bataille!  Let’s all just enjoy this video of an intoxicated man attempting to buy beer at a convenience store on a Tuesday morning.  Whoa, he is so drunk!  Oh, you’ve already seen it?  Watch again and learn.  See, always lead with the left foot!  It’s also possible that Dr. Mustachio Ponytail here actually took a high dosage of hallucinogens and has become convinced that his legs are made of spaghetti.  And he’s trying to buy beer to help him come down.  So, you know, don’t you sit there on your high horse in your glass house, writing in your, uh, ledger of disapproval.

Via Geekologie.

You’re like, didn’t I just read this story two weeks ago?  Unfortunately, yes.  David Hasselhoff, who is one of the most agreed-upon celebrities in the world, is nonetheless having some serious alcohol times lately.  He recently took another trip to the hospital:

Staff at the five-star St Martins Lane Hotel manhandled the star to the basement while Ettlinger – said to have a bruised forehead – called for an ambulance.

Hasselhoff was taken to London’s £1,000-a-night Capio Nightingale Hospital, where he spent two nights in a private suite before he was discharged yesterday.

One fellow patient said: “He was recognised immediately. Everyone was thrilled The Hoff had arrived and wanted to meet him.”

Hopefully the experience of dozens of wasted Brits chanting “One of us!  One of us!” as Hoff was wheeled into the drunk ward will scare the guy straight, but it’s hard to see that.  How many sad faces do I have to write here to get you to stop drinking, The Hoff??  I will write as many as it takes.  :-(  Some more details, AtheJ.   Continue »

Growing up, I had an uncle, one of like 7 on my mom’s side, whom I was told to avoid.  ”If Uncle Jackson shows up at our door, lock the dead-bolt and come get Mommy or Daddy.”  I always imagined that Uncle Jackson had a car on which one of the quarterpanels was a different color than the rest of the body, and that he paid for any purchase under $10 with expired coupons and coins (“Uncle Jackson doesn’t use the Coinstar because it gives 5% of your change away to charities”).  But what would have happened if Uncle Jackson had married a fantastically rich but reality-handicapped superstarstress?  The answer, of course, is Kevin Federline.  K-Fed was recently sued to the tune of $110,661 by the owners of the last house he rented.

Kevin Federline did not pay the rent, you see (party foul!), and also created a bit of a mess.  Here is the list of home defurbishments listed in the suit, all donated by the Kevin Federline Extreme Home Makeover Experience, plus pictures.

1) Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles…   Continue »