UPDATE: Thanks to commenter S for pointing out that this article originated at a site called “The Faking News,” which I guess is sort an Indian Onion?  Another headline from the site is “Did Savita Bhabhi Know Too Much About Spectrum Allotment Scam?” so, yeah, obviously if I had seen that I would have known the entire thing was fake news.  Total egg-meet-face moment!

The Axe Effect: when you spray AxeTM aerosol deodorant or rinse with AxeTM Body Wash and the new Axe Detailer Shower ToolTM, and moments later, beautiful women are thrown into a fit of disrobing, by your sporty, musky essence.  We’ve all been there, obviously.  For example, just this morning, I was dousing myself with Axe Cranberry SlayTM in my Axe Room (similar to a bathroom), when I hear this knock at the door.  I look through the peephole, and whoa!  It’s a total girl!  When I open the door, she’s like, I heard there was Red Bull Vodka and Auto-tuned music in here.  And I was like, bro, I was just about to mix a Red Bull Vodka (I showed her the bottle of Stoli in my non-Axe hand to corroborate this) and play a Trey Songz album!

Anyway, one thing led to another, and pretty soon it was like Halloween night all over again: I was tired and alone and had had a reasonably good time!  Rocking!

But it turns out that the Axe Effect doesn’t work with all guys.  One man in India, in fact, is suing Lynx (the Indian Axe) for ”depression and psychological damage” after using Lynx for seven years without romantic success…   Continue »

The most egregious part of this story is not that 57-year-old David Simmons, of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, snapped pictures on the sly while doing sex acts with his ex-girlfriend.  Nor is that he vengefully mailed said sex pictures to the family members of said ex-girlfriend as Christmas cards.  Nor is it that he received a slap on the wrist “suspended sentence” for such an spiteful and emotionally damaging crime.

No, the most egregious part of this story is that HELL-OOOO, who sends CHRISTMAS CARDS in OCTOBER?  What a gauche, classless man!  Obviously the seasonally appropriate way to stick it to an ex-lover is to dress up for Halloween as someone who is better for not having you in my life, JENNIFER. Or to send a festive autumn cornucopia full of pumpkins, squashes, and sexual pictures of your ex-girlfriend to her family members.

Source: Metro.

You may think that’s just a clever title and that the subsequent text is simply some passing sex kerfuffle between two high-profile idiots, but no, Paris Hilton truly spent literal money for a witch doctor to put a hex on Cristiano Ronaldo (if you’ll recall, they did stuff together).  The shaman, only known to the press as “Pepe the Witch” (I am not making this up), drove supernatural demons into Ronaldo’s ankle, forcing him to the sidelines for a week.

Pepe has revealed that his remit is “to do everything possible to prevent Cristiano Ronaldo continuing his career in football” and that he will take his voodoo doll of the player and “stab him in the spine”.

Initially, Pepe was coy about revealing who put the hit out, intimating only that she was a ”jilted lover,” “non-European,” and “a very wealthy heiress form a well-known family.”  ”Oh, and her name rhymes with Shmaris Blilton.”  (I made that part up, he did not say that.)

Paris confirmed that the client was, indeed, her.  But now Ronaldo has himself turned to dark arts practitioners, in hopes of exorcising Pepe’s curse…   Continue »

Whenever the economy dips, you resourceful young people turn to unusual outlets in search of sustenance.  Perhaps you wait tables and submit scripts until you are old enough to recognize what failure is.  Perhaps you make and sell your own jewelry, or record and produce a rap single at Aunt Trudy’s house, or commit insurance fraud.  Or you could do what Al Pacino did:

“At 20, I lived in Sicily by selling the only asset I had – my body. An older woman traded food and housing in return for sex. I woke mornings not really loving myself.”

Remember: ”You gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.”  Scarface director Brian De Palma probably had to do a few takes on that line.  ”Come on, Al, say it like you mean it.”   Continue »

When you go on a reality show and/or sleep with someone on a reality show, you know you’re in for an STD.  I know what you’re thinking, and yes, that includes Little People, Big World. It’s not a question of “if,” it’s a question of “how many?”  So this fine-print clause on the waiver signed by entrants to The Real World’s “Put Your Best Foot Forward” date auction was probably unnecessary.  After the jump.   Continue »

This is truly today’s funniest thing.  ”Lean down over her and begin to suck the air out of her mouth and lungs.”  They were like, we’re making a guide to kissing – somebody get Vince Shlomi on the phone right now!  (ShamWow guy?  Kissed a hooker and she bit his tongue?  Thus, he is bad at kissing?  OK, we’re on the same page.)

Did you know that exactly 91% of men don’t know if she wants to be kissed?  Did you know that you’re supposed to rock your head back and forth slowly and gently on your first kiss?  Did you know that if your boyfriend is too goody-goody, you may have to train him to act like a bad boy by, uh, straightening his pant legs out as he leans against a car?  (You tell me what’s going on at 0:46 because I have no idea.)  Your girl will be like, why are you turning on this Robert Palmer 8-track and moving your head all around while kissing me at intervals?  I’M DOING THE MUSIC KISS, OBVIOUSLY.  Only use the Music Kiss on girls who are special to you, or you might get a reputation.  For being an idiot.  And don’t forget to break out one of these every so often!  Everything about this video is absurd, after the jump.   Continue »

Sponsored post here from Sony: yesterday marked the DVD release of the 2008 Mischa Barton number Assassination of a High School President.  Mischa plays a worldly high-school senior who helps a sophomore student paper reporter track down a set of missing (AKA STOLEN) SATs.  But since standardized testing is for lamewads, you can trust that the real focus here is kids going nuts on the Blue Lightning and taking a break every so often for a premarital heavy petting interlude.  The movie tagline is, “Politics, popularity, paranoia, pharmaceuticals. Are you in?”  (You may now pause to stretch your collar and make a “too soon” grimace.)

I haven’t seen this movie, but IMDB gives it a strong 7.7, and it also features the talents of Quinn Shephard as “Eye Patch Girl” and Ashley Springer as “White Kid With Dreds.”  Furthermore, if four of you buy the DVD, Sony will give me a free house.  Wherever I want.  So let’s do this.

Exclusive hilarious redband trailer, after the J.  From the look of it, the real talent here is whoever plays the Italian kid.  ”A single p*ssy hair can pull a battleship through the desert.”  OK, Salvador Dali!  They grow up so fast. Continue »

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are the newest winners of having a fake sex tape on the internet.

According to an anonymous ZackTaylor.ca source, the former couple (Sarah is now dating Rob Huebel) recorded a 15-minute tape while on vacation a few years ago, but forgot the camera in the resort room – A worker at the resort is now shopping around the tape!! [exclamation theirs]

That is an actual screenshot above!  It is them!  One must imagine the resort worker – what a rare and powerful thing that came into his possession.  For many years he has kept it safe and shielded it to a world that wasn’t ready.  Yet now the world must know, because that Subaru Impreza isn’t going to buy itself.

But seriously@that picture.  Are you sure, Mr. Hotel Room Cleaner, that it isn’t simply a tape of a shirtless man kneeling?  And then Jimmy Kimmel hanging out with his shirt off?  Maybe the happy couple were taping over Fight Club with some footage of Kimmel killing it in the cabana during Tiki Trivia Hour?  Still, though, there’s a market.  Just Google Image “Jimmy Kimmel shirtless.”  Notice anything about the pictures?  Right: there’s not enough of them.  The true and only Jimmy Kimmel sex tape, ATJ.   Continue »

In one of the most audaciously fluffy pieces of fluff I’ve seen in a respected newspaper, The Telegraph has blown the lid off a study that major world governments don’t want you to hear about:

The poll, carried out by global research site www.OnePoll.com, asked women from 20 countries to rate nations on their ability in bed and give reasons for their answers.

Well, American men came in a number five on the list of shame because we are “too dominating” in bed (file that one under “Sorry I Party”), but we certainly could have done worse in figuring out woman and sex.  Full list of the best and worst countries, after the jump, with the reasons for each ranking included.  It’s like a party and all your favorite national stereotypes are invited!   Continue »

Another Joey Buttafuoco-style insane freak show of absurdity story here.  I’m going to do it as a Mad Lib, and then fill it in for you.

A [type of emergency responder] from [Staten Island/Long Island/New Jersey] who gained notoriety for appearing in [pornographic video for ladies] has been discovered as the other man in the divorce case involving a contestant on [D-grade reality TV series on ABC], who had [type of injury you can inflict with a knife] her husband in the [body part that is vulnerable to knives].  The lovers had traded messages on [social networking site] along the lines of “I want you to know how [expletive] bad I wanna [verb] you right now [series of punctuation marks].”

Do it at home, then check your answers, after the jump!   Continue »