…I figured you might want to know that d*cktowel.com is now live.  My roommate Dan who also works for the internet looked up the URL last night during the show.  There was no site (“Did you mean ‘d*cktrowel.com’?”), but he checked again today, and whoa, so many MS Paint penises!  Includes a bonus video from the Always Sunny dudes.  ”A girl with the towel on works too.”

As the site exhorts, “Join D*ck Towel Nation!”  It appears you can actually order as well.

Nothing about this is safe for work: d*cktowel.com.

In some parts of the world, it is basically acceptable to silkscreen the naked cartoon body of a prepubescent girl onto your pillowcase and love it up like you’ll never love again (a likelihood not even that hard to imagine, when your Saturday night gal is a pillow).  However, it looks like pillow buddies are about to move from the dank and blacklit closets of Japan right into your own home!  With designer Stefan Ulrich’s Funktionide,

An “emotional robot” that changes form depending on how you hold it. Combined with advanced robotics, this could yield something that is soft, cuddly, humanoid, and capable of intelligent conversation. Yes, and it breathes.

Like I don’t have intelligent enough conversations with my household objects.  Video of a man demonstrating positions you can use on the vibrating bang-pillow, after the jump.  Pretty weird!   Continue »

Blood Lamp is a new project from designer Mike Thompson.  It is supposed to make users think twice about how much energy they waste by exacting a bodily fee every time they turn it on:

For the lamp to work one breaks the top off, dissolves the tablet, and uses their own blood to power a simple light. By creating a lamp that can only be used once, the user must consider when light is needed the most, forcing them to rethink how wasteful they are with energy, and how precious it is.

Indeed, it would probably work so well that I would never turn it on.  But then I would throw it away and buy a different lamp that did not try to maim me every time I wanted to see stuff in the dark.  It would probably be a net wash, environment-wise.  Another pic, ATJ.   Continue »

Sometimes you need to be somewhere and you need to have six ice-cold bottles of Jager at that somewhere with you.  I mean David Hasselhoff’s birthday party isn’t going to throw itself!

Is this a product we really need?  A special cooler/tap combo that holds six bottles of Jagermeister?  Like for a party at which you only want to drink something worse tasting and less alcoholic than regular liquor?  I’m sure the discovery of the Jagerbomb singlehandedly made Jager’s reputation in the U.S.  Because please join me in recalling Philosophy Thinking Times Class 101, where you were taught about how Plato believed the soul is a chariot with two horses, one representing Jager and the other, Red Bull.  The allegory/chariot did not work with only one horse.  Plato knew that no American was ever going to be like, I just want to drink Jager, by itself.  Gross.

Two fun-@ss facts about Jager, after the jump:   Continue »

MORE condom news?  Yes, please, I guess!  So let’s recap: in these last few months of the Year of the Condom (that’s this year), we’ve found out, on the one hand, that condoms are bad for you and you might as well just pull up anchor instead, but on the other hand, that they can make for racy pillows and even racier commercials.

Now word comes that there is a new kind of condom in town for girls.  But this condom is less like a condom and more like Pam No-Stick Oven Spray for your vagina.  Reality: a pourable condom.  Realer reality: it may be the best invention of our era…   Continue »

Do you have a friend that you don’t really want anymore?  Like you keep getting in fights with Ted and last time you just totally lost it and screamed, “Ted, you’re so gay you probably act in gay porn, playing the gay person!”  Well now, you don’t have to say it with words: say it with the Personalized Prank Porn DVD Case, which comes in four fun varieties (trannies, anal, gay, barely legal).  All you need is a bad friend who has a name and a face, and you can put that name and face on a totally gay gay porn DVD cover.

Get back at your friends, family [ed: family???] and co-workers with a completely realistic and personalized porno package. Leave it lying around your buddy’s house. Bring one into work. The next time your at a party, show off what you just happended to find at the video store.

“Hey I was browsing around in the tranny section and I found this DVD of Ted!”  More pictures of sexual hijinkery, after the jump.   Continue »

The Shake Weight defines your biceps, your triceps, your shoulders and chest!  You’ll love the way you look afterwards!

Yes, health scientists have finally created a women’s fitness device that replicates the results-proven gripping-a-penis-in-front-of-your-face exercise regimen.  Watch for the end of the video, when the really complicated moves are introduced – they do the Sidewinder, the Relay Baton, even the ergonomically difficult Behind-The-Head.

Just 6 minutes a day, ladies.  That’s all it takes.  Video, after the jump.   Continue »

I get that Nick Cannon isn’t Nick Carey, but he might as well be.  Eminem also understands this and has leaked his response to Nick & Mariah’s video about him being obsessed with her via the internet.  Too bad for Mariah no one even liked the stupid song and her album is doing terribly.  Lucky for us all three of these people are dumb enough to put their entire life on the internet for us to mock.  Awesome!

Check out Eminem’s reponse after the jump>>> Continue »

Dogs, like all people, want to have sex.  And if you think about, the domesticated dog never really gets to.  It’s kind of weird and even cruel that we expect these little guys to run around and play with us and be our best friend or whatever for fifteen years without even getting to do the naturalest thang in nature.  What kind of friend c*ckblocks his “best friend” for fifteen years?  A pretty bad friend.  And our solution to this is typically just to get surgical on dogs so that they have no more fuel in the tank.  What kind of friend tricks his “best friend” into going to the hospital so that a doctor can knife him in the crotch?  A pretty bad friend.

But now you can treat Snuffles right though, with the DoggieLoverDoll, which is basically a RealDoll for dogs…   Continue »

I should have known this was coming.  Kanye West has declared that he’s the fortified new King of Pop now that Michael Jackson’s kick the bucket. He’s even asked the Jackson clan for their blessing!

To hear his entire rambling explanation keep reading after the jump>>> Continue »