The insanity defense is really the American legal system’s equivalent of trying to win Dancing With the Stars by being fat, clumsy, and involved in computers.  It is the “I am doing such a bad job at this defense that it is impossible I could even be serious, and therefore I should win” defense.  It’s also a pretty all-in move: when it fails, it proverbially falls on the proverbial dance floor and breaks multiple limbs and is put to death via lethal injection for doing such a bad job.  What I’m trying to say is, don’t throw poop at the jurors.  Really, do not bank on that working.  One Weusi McGowan, a home intruder and robber out of San Diego, found this out the hard way.

McGowan, who attorneys say suffers from mental illness, had asked for a mistrial because he believed jurors had seen him in restraints when he entered the courtroom.

Several days after his request was denied, McGowan pulled out a bag of excrement he had hidden in his clothing, rubbed it on his lawyer and tossed it at the jury, hitting one juror’s computer case.

The jury responded by throwing the book (not literally) at McGowan…   Continue »

At one point or another we’ve all asked ourselves, “Which Kardashian would I fight?”  While the answer is obviously “Bruce Jenner,” you can now take them all on, provided you have the cash.

TKO Boxing presents the “Kardashian Charity Knock Out“. This is your chance to step into the ring and duke it out with your favorite Keeping up With The Kardashians cast member for a good cause. Kim, Khloe, Bruce, Rob, and Scott are looking for you to raise money for their favorite charity. Winners will box the Kardashians cast at the Commerce Casino on November 3rd for a televised taping of “Keeping Up with The Kardashians”.

No Kourtney?  Look you may be “pregnant” (whatever that is), but this is for charity, so let’s not be selfish for a change. Specifically, it’s for the Dream Foundation, the “largest national wish granting organization for adults battling life-threatening illness.”  Don’t you want those adults’ wishes to come true, Kourtney Kardashian?   Continue »

What do you get for the girl who has everything?  If you think buying gifts for your gal is hard, imagine if she were a celebrity.  You can only buy so many Hummers before the Hummer Room is full and/or you’ve already gone through all the factory colors.  You can only destroy so many island resort penthouses with her in a days-long happy birthday cocaine rage before the other island resorts start to wonder if hosting a celebrity couple is worth replacing all the plasma screens that wind up the Jacuzzi.  You can only pay $36 million upfront to send her up on the shuttle as a space tourist only to have her back out of flight training because the zero-gravity chamber gives her hair split ends, before you start running out of $36 million sums of money.

So give credit to British comedian/VJ/wanker/tosser/cobbler (new British insult for lazy and doltish individuals) Russell Brand, who has procured a most unusual gift for his lady Katy Perry on the occasion of her 25th birthday.  He got her…   Continue »

Too often, reality TV winners use their prize money for selfish ends.  ”I’m going to go back to college.”  ”I can finally get the most basic level of health insurance.”  ”I want to adopt an impoverished child.”  Selfish, yet we turn a blind eye.  But when a Big Brother winner tries to use his lucre entrepreneurially and provide a much-needed service to his community, the police have to get involved.  Adam “Baller” Jasinski (by his sobriquet, you are to understand he is a baller), the winner of 2008’s BB,

was busted Saturday night by the DEA with 2,000 oxycodone pills during an attempted drug deal in North Reading, MA. Jasinki was thrown in jail and charged with possession of oxycodone pills with intent to distribute.

Cops say Jasinski admitted to funding his illegal venture with his $500,000 winnings from the show.

Recession’s tough on small businesses everywhere, guy.  Jasinski apparently protested the legal intervention, though…   Continue »

In one of the most audaciously fluffy pieces of fluff I’ve seen in a respected newspaper, The Telegraph has blown the lid off a study that major world governments don’t want you to hear about:

The poll, carried out by global research site www.OnePoll.com, asked women from 20 countries to rate nations on their ability in bed and give reasons for their answers.

Well, American men came in a number five on the list of shame because we are “too dominating” in bed (file that one under “Sorry I Party”), but we certainly could have done worse in figuring out woman and sex.  Full list of the best and worst countries, after the jump, with the reasons for each ranking included.  It’s like a party and all your favorite national stereotypes are invited!   Continue »

There was a lot of squawking and flapping when Lars von Trier’s new film Antichrist debuted at Cannes a few months ago.  I haven’t seen it, but apparently it assaulted the eyes with both genital mutilation and Willem Dafoe (a real one-two punch right there), thus earning it accolades as the Gross Art Movie of the Year.  But now it looks like Christmas came twice for perverts this year, because there’s a literally sick new movie on the block, and it is called Human Centipede.  From a description of the film:

In The Human Centipede, Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser) is a leering, sepulchral surgeon from Germany whose specialty is separating Siamese twins. Dr. Heiter decides to evolve his craft by sewing together living beings together at the “mucous-cutaneous zone” (guess) in order to create Siamese triplets with a single digestive system.

Since “mucous-cutaneous” could mean a lot of things, I’ll give you a hint: it is much, much better to be the first person in the centipede than the second.  So far only a short but disturbing clip of the flick seems to have been released.  Plus more description, after the jump.   Continue »

A few months ago, I attempted to track down the world’s most expensive cocktail.  The winner was a champagne-based monstrosity called “Dazzle,” which is served at the Harvey Nichols department store in Manchester, UK.  Security guards accompany the drink from the bar to your table.  It comes with a free diamond ring!  Free after you pay tens of thousands of dollars, I mean.  But now legendary French liqueur-smith Chambord has created a one-of-a-kind bottle that trammels every other so-called expensive tipple.  Even the most expensive wines to go to auction – the kind of stuff Thomas Jefferson was drinking – never command this kind of price.

The Chambord bottle is tricked out with “gold, diamonds, and pearls.”  Guess how much it’s worth.   Continue »

TheyFit is a condom company in Europe that makes bespoke condoms for the gentleman who requires – nay, demands – a sheath of precision to complement the length and girth of his gentlemanliness in the most exact and judicious manner possible.

And now, a handy sizing chart (the “CONDOMania FIT KIT”).  Print it out and take it to the party tonight for a fun conversation starter – no girls allowed!  Talk to me when you start making an X27, TheyFit.  (Self-high-five!)  I like how the measurements go from “wide” to “wider” and “long” to “longer.”  No one has to have a small penis that way!  Just like how you can only order your Starbucks coffee in Tall, Venti, and Hella Venti or whatever.

Via Gizmodo.  Here’s the full-size PDF.

Denmark is apparently suffering a bit of a tourism downturn.  If I want to visit a winter wonderland of willowy, morally progressive blondes riding polar bears through rivers of vodka, I’ll visit Sweden.  If I want to visit the cored-out, decaying infrastructure of decades of Soviet mismanagement, I’ll visit Russia.  If I want to visit Finland, I’ll just do it, I guess.  And none of that matters because I don’t have any money anyway.  You see how this begins to look problematic for Denmark?

So their tourism folks started a campaign all the kids could get behind: a viral video that all but promises casual sex with attractive people to any old visitor of Denmark!  For whatever reason, though, not all Danes are pleased with this depiction of their people.  Video after the jump.   Continue »

To the human eye, Megan Fox appears as an unprepossessing but ever-handy Mac truck cab, yet at a moment’s notice, she can transform into a giant, fearsome killer robot who tries to take over the world and harness the power of the All-Spark to, uh, blow up the Eiffel Tower.  Basically these are the allegations of an anonymous trio of Transformers crew members, who recently posted a lengthy anti-Megan screed on Michael Bay’s website.  It was taken down soon after, with someone explaining, “Hey guys, you’re actually thinking of Megatron, not Megan Fox.  Megan Fox was the girl, remember?  The pale chick who always wore a lot of lipstick?  The main love interest?”  And the crew members slapped their foreheads and said, “Of course!  How embarrassing of us to confuse them because they have similar names and are both brunettes!  Megatron is a total Dina Diva, though.  Can’t stand that chick.”

No, but this open letter to Megan Fox fans is pretty open indeed!  ”Tedious,” “graceless,” “trailer trash,” “dumb as a rock” – and this from the guys who made Transformers.  The whole letter, ATJ:   Continue »