You may think that’s just a clever title and that the subsequent text is simply some passing sex kerfuffle between two high-profile idiots, but no, Paris Hilton truly spent literal money for a witch doctor to put a hex on Cristiano Ronaldo (if you’ll recall, they did stuff together).  The shaman, only known to the press as “Pepe the Witch” (I am not making this up), drove supernatural demons into Ronaldo’s ankle, forcing him to the sidelines for a week.

Pepe has revealed that his remit is “to do everything possible to prevent Cristiano Ronaldo continuing his career in football” and that he will take his voodoo doll of the player and “stab him in the spine”.

Initially, Pepe was coy about revealing who put the hit out, intimating only that she was a ”jilted lover,” “non-European,” and “a very wealthy heiress form a well-known family.”  ”Oh, and her name rhymes with Shmaris Blilton.”  (I made that part up, he did not say that.)

Paris confirmed that the client was, indeed, her.  But now Ronaldo has himself turned to dark arts practitioners, in hopes of exorcising Pepe’s curse…   Continue »

Some matches are made in heaven, others are made in Heaven: Xotic Lounge and Gentleman’s Revue.  Love is a many-splendored thing!  This couple in the U.K. pulled all kinds of splendor out of the hat when they tied the knot in a “glamour-themed” strip-club-hosted ceremony:

Phil Wharam, 50, tied the knot with Lynfa Lawson, 46, at a glamour-themed ceremony with 120 guests at Katz in Basildon, Essex.

Manager Dean Kayne, 38, said: ‘We are just making use of our very good facilities.’

Essex, it helps to know, is considered something like the New Jersey/Long Island of England, home to London’s bridge-and-tunnel crowd.  Except instead of guidos, they have “chavs” and “yobs” who, if you can believe it, wear plaid clothing, dye their hair, and listen to white rappers.  It is our cultural differences that make us unique and special!

Oh, and I don’t know what the picture’s about.  Except, obviously, the best bachelorette party ever.

Source: Metro via Nerve.

It’s the single-serving sites with the simplest premises that work best.  At Wal-Mart, you don’t necessarily have to wear what some dictionary would call a “shirt.”  Hipsters always have to make a contest out of being terrible.  And most men will overlook virtually anything to bed an attractive woman.  That’s what drives No First Date, a series of conversations on a free dating website between a man posing as a pretty lady and his/her numerous gentleman callers.  In each, the writer sees how weird his female avatar can get before her suitors disengage.  It plays out like a cross between Boiling Point for desperate men and To Catch an Idiot.

Some of the victims are creeps, some are nice guys who are probably too naive to be using the internet, and some are simply fools, but this is pretty no harm, no foul all around I think.  Be sure to at least read the top few “Most Popular” ones.

No First Date.  Thanks to Jessika for the tip.

Whenever the economy dips, you resourceful young people turn to unusual outlets in search of sustenance.  Perhaps you wait tables and submit scripts until you are old enough to recognize what failure is.  Perhaps you make and sell your own jewelry, or record and produce a rap single at Aunt Trudy’s house, or commit insurance fraud.  Or you could do what Al Pacino did:

“At 20, I lived in Sicily by selling the only asset I had – my body. An older woman traded food and housing in return for sex. I woke mornings not really loving myself.”

Remember: ”You gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.”  Scarface director Brian De Palma probably had to do a few takes on that line.  ”Come on, Al, say it like you mean it.”   Continue »

Sleepwalking is awesome.  You can do whatever you want when you’re sleepwalking!  It’s like diplomatic immunity or license to kill or License To Kill starring Timothy Dalton.  It is that awesome.  ”Your honor, my client was not driving while intoxicated.  He was sleep-driving while intoxicated.  Why else would the police have found him asleep at the wheel of his moving vehicle with a bottle of liquor in one hand?  Connect the dots, IDIOT!”  ”You are so right.  My verdict is have a terrific day and I hereby sentence everyone to ice cream and smiles!”

Sleep medicine experts have successfully treated a rare case of a woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking.

The behaviour had disrupted the lives of the woman and her partner. At night while asleep, the middle-aged sleepwalker – who lives in Australia and cannot be identified for reasons of confidentiality [ed: more like reasons of real estate prices would go way up in that neighborhood] - left her house and had sexual intercourse with strangers. The behaviour continued for several months and the woman had no memory of her nocturnal activities.

I bet.  How did they figure out she was doing this?  The usual way…   Continue »

This is truly today’s funniest thing.  ”Lean down over her and begin to suck the air out of her mouth and lungs.”  They were like, we’re making a guide to kissing – somebody get Vince Shlomi on the phone right now!  (ShamWow guy?  Kissed a hooker and she bit his tongue?  Thus, he is bad at kissing?  OK, we’re on the same page.)

Did you know that exactly 91% of men don’t know if she wants to be kissed?  Did you know that you’re supposed to rock your head back and forth slowly and gently on your first kiss?  Did you know that if your boyfriend is too goody-goody, you may have to train him to act like a bad boy by, uh, straightening his pant legs out as he leans against a car?  (You tell me what’s going on at 0:46 because I have no idea.)  Your girl will be like, why are you turning on this Robert Palmer 8-track and moving your head all around while kissing me at intervals?  I’M DOING THE MUSIC KISS, OBVIOUSLY.  Only use the Music Kiss on girls who are special to you, or you might get a reputation.  For being an idiot.  And don’t forget to break out one of these every so often!  Everything about this video is absurd, after the jump.   Continue »

Wow.  Your next Playboy cover girl will be… Marge Simpson.  Talk about a fantasy you never had in 1994, much less 2009.  Playboy and The Simpsons.  This really takes me back to when people read Playboy and watched The Simpsons.

Both parties should know that putting an iconic cartoon character in a porn rag – even if only, as TMZ says, in “sexy lingerie” – is a slippery slope.  Today it’s Marge in her undies, tomorrow, SpongeBob in a latex mask forcing Dig ‘em Frog to lick his high-heels.  The internet knows what I’m talking about.

The Marge Playboy cover, ATJ.   Continue »

In some parts of the world, it is basically acceptable to silkscreen the naked cartoon body of a prepubescent girl onto your pillowcase and love it up like you’ll never love again (a likelihood not even that hard to imagine, when your Saturday night gal is a pillow).  However, it looks like pillow buddies are about to move from the dank and blacklit closets of Japan right into your own home!  With designer Stefan Ulrich’s Funktionide,

An “emotional robot” that changes form depending on how you hold it. Combined with advanced robotics, this could yield something that is soft, cuddly, humanoid, and capable of intelligent conversation. Yes, and it breathes.

Like I don’t have intelligent enough conversations with my household objects.  Video of a man demonstrating positions you can use on the vibrating bang-pillow, after the jump.  Pretty weird!   Continue »

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are the newest winners of having a fake sex tape on the internet.

According to an anonymous ZackTaylor.ca source, the former couple (Sarah is now dating Rob Huebel) recorded a 15-minute tape while on vacation a few years ago, but forgot the camera in the resort room – A worker at the resort is now shopping around the tape!! [exclamation theirs]

That is an actual screenshot above!  It is them!  One must imagine the resort worker – what a rare and powerful thing that came into his possession.  For many years he has kept it safe and shielded it to a world that wasn’t ready.  Yet now the world must know, because that Subaru Impreza isn’t going to buy itself.

But seriously@that picture.  Are you sure, Mr. Hotel Room Cleaner, that it isn’t simply a tape of a shirtless man kneeling?  And then Jimmy Kimmel hanging out with his shirt off?  Maybe the happy couple were taping over Fight Club with some footage of Kimmel killing it in the cabana during Tiki Trivia Hour?  Still, though, there’s a market.  Just Google Image “Jimmy Kimmel shirtless.”  Notice anything about the pictures?  Right: there’s not enough of them.  The true and only Jimmy Kimmel sex tape, ATJ.   Continue »

In one of the most audaciously fluffy pieces of fluff I’ve seen in a respected newspaper, The Telegraph has blown the lid off a study that major world governments don’t want you to hear about:

The poll, carried out by global research site www.OnePoll.com, asked women from 20 countries to rate nations on their ability in bed and give reasons for their answers.

Well, American men came in a number five on the list of shame because we are “too dominating” in bed (file that one under “Sorry I Party”), but we certainly could have done worse in figuring out woman and sex.  Full list of the best and worst countries, after the jump, with the reasons for each ranking included.  It’s like a party and all your favorite national stereotypes are invited!   Continue »