Ah, the British.  Give Britain’s millions of wayward youths (chavs, wankers, you know the ones) credit for doing their darnedest to erase the international Anglo image of expensive hats, peerages, and porcelain clocks.  In ten years, when we think “U.K.” it’ll be casual sex, knife fights, and reckless drinking.  This story more or less summarizes the story of Future Britain: Miss England, Rachel Christie, attacked Miss Manchester, Sara Beverley Jones, in the wee hours at a nightclub.

Miss England has relinquished her crown.  The fight was over a man.  His name is “Tornado,” and he is the British equivalent of an American Gladiator.  More details, ATJ: Continue »

Skip to about halfway through the video, watch it, and don’t ever say I never did anything for you.

Are these guys speaking Russian?  I think they are, because in Soviet Russia… drinking has YOU problem!

Actually no, it works the same way over there as it does here.  But speaking of problems, has anyone been watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew?  Those people have a really problematic amount of sex!  They’re like, “It’s ruining my life, the fact that I have sex with so many women all the time.”  On the one hand, addiction is a very serious and traumatic psychological condition suffered by millions of Americans every day.  On the other hand, f*ck you, xtreme athlete who wears sunglasses inside and brings his damn surfboard to rehab.

Via VideoSift.

This is kind of funny.  Sorry, what I meant to say is, “Breaking the law is never funny.”  But if it were, ever, this might be one of those times.  CNN examines three cases of self-calling intoxication, two in which a drunk driver reports his or her own crime to 911 and one in which a cop who ate a bunch of confiscated weed thinks he is dying.  Although CNN does end it rather judgmentally: those who are without sin, cast the first stone and such.  Hey, guess what, CNN?  I don’t drink and drive.  I resent the implication that I have enough money to own a motor vehicle.

Via The Frisky.

Let me be the first to admit that this is not a story.  It is just a series of vaguely nonsense details describing the type of non-event that happens in a bar and you retell it the next day, excitedly, as though it were an event, but it is not.  You always do this, and no one wants to hear your stupid stories!

People want to hear Mischa Barton’s stories, though.  (Literally.  People literally want to know about the things that Mischa Barton does.  Think about that.)  Anyway, Mischa Barton got in a bar fight over Halloween!  It was so crazy!  After the jump.   Continue »

I like to eat apples, but I like to eat steaks as well.  So as someone who sees no problem with eating both apples and steaks, I cannot but condone an American’s right to dress up as an animal and dress up as the Insane Clown Posse.  Hence, Jugfurs.  From the YouTube description of a very necessary slideshow of Jugfurs, which is after the jump:

ANYWHO, yeah, of the million excess juggalos, and eight hundred thousand furries, (these are old figures BTW) there are those that have an intrest in both. And I can’t count them on 2 hands. There is a FA user group, and last time I checked, we top’d it out at over 200 jugfurs. Thats of the 14K that use the site.

Haha, love the caveat: census figures on Furries and Juggalos are AS YET incomplete, so do understand that my figures MAY DEVIATE SLIGHTLY FROM THAT DATA.  Video, plus more insight into the mind of a person whose ardent love of wearing trailer clown makeup is forced to compete with his love of fetishizing the birds and the beasts (way ill-starred, yo!)… after the jump. Continue »

UPDATE: Thanks to commenter S for pointing out that this article originated at a site called “The Faking News,” which I guess is sort an Indian Onion?  Another headline from the site is “Did Savita Bhabhi Know Too Much About Spectrum Allotment Scam?” so, yeah, obviously if I had seen that I would have known the entire thing was fake news.  Total egg-meet-face moment!

The Axe Effect: when you spray AxeTM aerosol deodorant or rinse with AxeTM Body Wash and the new Axe Detailer Shower ToolTM, and moments later, beautiful women are thrown into a fit of disrobing, by your sporty, musky essence.  We’ve all been there, obviously.  For example, just this morning, I was dousing myself with Axe Cranberry SlayTM in my Axe Room (similar to a bathroom), when I hear this knock at the door.  I look through the peephole, and whoa!  It’s a total girl!  When I open the door, she’s like, I heard there was Red Bull Vodka and Auto-tuned music in here.  And I was like, bro, I was just about to mix a Red Bull Vodka (I showed her the bottle of Stoli in my non-Axe hand to corroborate this) and play a Trey Songz album!

Anyway, one thing led to another, and pretty soon it was like Halloween night all over again: I was tired and alone and had had a reasonably good time!  Rocking!

But it turns out that the Axe Effect doesn’t work with all guys.  One man in India, in fact, is suing Lynx (the Indian Axe) for ”depression and psychological damage” after using Lynx for seven years without romantic success…   Continue »

The most egregious part of this story is not that 57-year-old David Simmons, of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, snapped pictures on the sly while doing sex acts with his ex-girlfriend.  Nor is that he vengefully mailed said sex pictures to the family members of said ex-girlfriend as Christmas cards.  Nor is it that he received a slap on the wrist “suspended sentence” for such an spiteful and emotionally damaging crime.

No, the most egregious part of this story is that HELL-OOOO, who sends CHRISTMAS CARDS in OCTOBER?  What a gauche, classless man!  Obviously the seasonally appropriate way to stick it to an ex-lover is to dress up for Halloween as someone who is better for not having you in my life, JENNIFER. Or to send a festive autumn cornucopia full of pumpkins, squashes, and sexual pictures of your ex-girlfriend to her family members.

Source: Metro.

You may think that’s just a clever title and that the subsequent text is simply some passing sex kerfuffle between two high-profile idiots, but no, Paris Hilton truly spent literal money for a witch doctor to put a hex on Cristiano Ronaldo (if you’ll recall, they did stuff together).  The shaman, only known to the press as “Pepe the Witch” (I am not making this up), drove supernatural demons into Ronaldo’s ankle, forcing him to the sidelines for a week.

Pepe has revealed that his remit is “to do everything possible to prevent Cristiano Ronaldo continuing his career in football” and that he will take his voodoo doll of the player and “stab him in the spine”.

Initially, Pepe was coy about revealing who put the hit out, intimating only that she was a ”jilted lover,” “non-European,” and “a very wealthy heiress form a well-known family.”  ”Oh, and her name rhymes with Shmaris Blilton.”  (I made that part up, he did not say that.)

Paris confirmed that the client was, indeed, her.  But now Ronaldo has himself turned to dark arts practitioners, in hopes of exorcising Pepe’s curse…   Continue »

Was fb really the best way?  My favorite is the friend who says, “That is so responsible of you!”  (A close second would be “3 people like this!”)  If you’re not sure whether your status re: genital parasites is something appropriate to announce on Facebook, you may not understand anything in any form of reality that has existed ever, so also be sure to avoid FB statuses like, “[Redacted] is the Hot Pocket Killer.  since i don’t know many of the names of my victims, fb was the best way.”  ”[Redacted] has a great publicity prank to play on America using a weather balloon and my child.  since i don’t know many of the names of all the people who are about to be my fans, fb was the best way.”  Etc!

Via The Internet Is Terrible.

I just can’t help reading tea-and-scones disapproval into this article, since it’s in a British paper and leads off like such:

Craz-E Burger: Americans embrace 1,500 calorie doughnut burger.

Calorie-comfortable Americans have found the perfect rejoinder to the healthy eating lobby – the doughnut burger.

Chipper and bluff as that is, I seem to keep reading it as “Lazy, obese Yankee food dumps slather faces with stupid phonetically named product made from factory meat and a pastry they probably spell ‘donutz.’”

However.  You really should only eat Craz-E Burgers if you plan to spend the rest of the day pulling a firetruck up a hill, because this is the stuff hearts tell campfire stories about.  Burger.  Bacon.  Cheese.  Glazed donuts.  Plus, I’ve created some more foods for the gastric masochist, after the jump. Continue »