Ah, the British.  Give Britain’s millions of wayward youths (chavs, wankers, you know the ones) credit for doing their darnedest to erase the international Anglo image of expensive hats, peerages, and porcelain clocks.  In ten years, when we think “U.K.” it’ll be casual sex, knife fights, and reckless drinking.  This story more or less summarizes the story of Future Britain: Miss England, Rachel Christie, attacked Miss Manchester, Sara Beverley Jones, in the wee hours at a nightclub.

Miss England has relinquished her crown.  The fight was over a man.  His name is “Tornado,” and he is the British equivalent of an American Gladiator.  More details, ATJ: Continue »

Tonight at 10 (British o’clock) on Sky 1, professional chatter with the dead Derek Acorah is going to hit Michael Jackson up on his Heaven Nextel!  ”Michael Jackson: The Live Seance” will be held “on an island … in a secret location familiar to Jackson.”

“We have chosen genuine Michael Jackson fans and people who knew him throughout his life to take part in this event,” Howell added. “Derek will also have a personal item from Michael Jackson, and will invite everyone to sit quietly and channel positive thoughts … he can’t force Michael to appear, but he will try inviting his spirit by creating welcoming environment.”

How much do you bet Michael Jackson appears?  I bet a million dollars that he does!  ”The spirit seems to be making a punching motion.  Does anyone in the audience have a deceased friend or family member or favorite pop music performer who might find a “hit it” or “whack it” motion significant?  Perhaps something to do with a beloved pet or childhood toy or number-one-charting 1982 single?… OK, look, it’s f*cking Michael Jackson, and he says, uh, thanks for liking my songs and, uh, don’t forget to feed my chimpanzee.”

MTV via Idolator.

God, you are so lazy!  The Vertical Bed, an apparatus that allows you to sleep upright on the go, has just been designed and tested.  You assemble it, affix it to a subway grate, put on your white noise headphones and opaque sunglasses, and you’re good to snooze.  Is this completely idiotic or do I want it very much?  It’s not at all clear.  No more getting winded on the walk home from Arby’s, America!

Sped-up video of a guy taking a 40-minute stand-nap in the middle of Manhattan.  No one pesters him or robs him, probably because in New York, when you see someone doing a weird art thing in the street, it is best to avoid eye contact.   Continue »

Welcome to your jam for the day: “My Boyfriend Is the President.”  Yo, if your boyfriend were the president, you would be singing about it exactly as enthusiastically as this girl.  My favorite part of this – and it’s hard to choose, no doubt – is the brief moment at 1:05 when Vladimir Putin’s face is shown on a Magic: The Gathering card (in Soviet Russia, +3 Orb of Silence Dissent is YOU!).  ”Your necromancer has been attacked by a Putin!”  The inclusion of the Pope and Hillary Clinton as potential boyfriend/presidents is also grand.  I know for a fact that the Pope and Hillary Clinton are neither boyfriends nor presidents.  And I further suspect that whoever made this could only name six countries in the world: “America,” “Russia,” “North Korea,” “Japan,” “USA,” and “Christianity.”

Via Videogum.

Skip to about halfway through the video, watch it, and don’t ever say I never did anything for you.

Are these guys speaking Russian?  I think they are, because in Soviet Russia… drinking has YOU problem!

Actually no, it works the same way over there as it does here.  But speaking of problems, has anyone been watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew?  Those people have a really problematic amount of sex!  They’re like, “It’s ruining my life, the fact that I have sex with so many women all the time.”  On the one hand, addiction is a very serious and traumatic psychological condition suffered by millions of Americans every day.  On the other hand, f*ck you, xtreme athlete who wears sunglasses inside and brings his damn surfboard to rehab.

Via VideoSift.

Fascinating study here from Ad Age that more or less confirms your predilections and prejudices about different beer brands.  A company called Mindset Media polled over 2,000 beer drinkers about their lifestyles.  Some of the data is not surprising (Bud Light is favored by “frat boys”!), but some of it validates more elusive stereotypes you sort of identified but never could quite articulate: “Corona drinkers are 91% more likely than average to buy recycled products and 38% more likely to own three or more flat-screen TVs.”  Corona, the beer of choice for the wealthy, kind, happy, thoughtful people you hate.

But what of Budweiser, Heineken, and craft beers?  After the jump.   Continue »

Tom Morello, legendary Rage Against the Machine axe man, was once a young musician out there trying to get the paper as best he could.  And as it happens, they hand out quite a bit of paper at your friendly local Scores VIP Lounge.  Says he:

When I graduated from Harvard and moved to Hollywood, I was unemployable [ed: uh?]. I was literally starving, so I had to work menial labour and, at one point, I even worked as an exotic dancer. ‘Brick House’ [by The Commodores] was my jam! I did bachelorette parties and I’d go down to my boxer shorts. Would I go further? All I can say is thank god it was in the time before YouTube! You could make decent money doing that job – people do what they have to do.

A Harvard degree, guitar virtuosity, and an azz like a model?  ”Literally starving.”  Psh.  Tom Morello could make money on the moon.  More hilarity, ATJ.   Continue »

This is kind of funny.  Sorry, what I meant to say is, “Breaking the law is never funny.”  But if it were, ever, this might be one of those times.  CNN examines three cases of self-calling intoxication, two in which a drunk driver reports his or her own crime to 911 and one in which a cop who ate a bunch of confiscated weed thinks he is dying.  Although CNN does end it rather judgmentally: those who are without sin, cast the first stone and such.  Hey, guess what, CNN?  I don’t drink and drive.  I resent the implication that I have enough money to own a motor vehicle.

Via The Frisky.

Let me be the first to admit that this is not a story.  It is just a series of vaguely nonsense details describing the type of non-event that happens in a bar and you retell it the next day, excitedly, as though it were an event, but it is not.  You always do this, and no one wants to hear your stupid stories!

People want to hear Mischa Barton’s stories, though.  (Literally.  People literally want to know about the things that Mischa Barton does.  Think about that.)  Anyway, Mischa Barton got in a bar fight over Halloween!  It was so crazy!  After the jump.   Continue »

I like to eat apples, but I like to eat steaks as well.  So as someone who sees no problem with eating both apples and steaks, I cannot but condone an American’s right to dress up as an animal and dress up as the Insane Clown Posse.  Hence, Jugfurs.  From the YouTube description of a very necessary slideshow of Jugfurs, which is after the jump:

ANYWHO, yeah, of the million excess juggalos, and eight hundred thousand furries, (these are old figures BTW) there are those that have an intrest in both. And I can’t count them on 2 hands. There is a FA user group, and last time I checked, we top’d it out at over 200 jugfurs. Thats of the 14K that use the site.

Haha, love the caveat: census figures on Furries and Juggalos are AS YET incomplete, so do understand that my figures MAY DEVIATE SLIGHTLY FROM THAT DATA.  Video, plus more insight into the mind of a person whose ardent love of wearing trailer clown makeup is forced to compete with his love of fetishizing the birds and the beasts (way ill-starred, yo!)… after the jump. Continue »