Sponsored post here from Sony: yesterday marked the DVD release of the 2008 Mischa Barton number Assassination of a High School President.  Mischa plays a worldly high-school senior who helps a sophomore student paper reporter track down a set of missing (AKA STOLEN) SATs.  But since standardized testing is for lamewads, you can trust that the real focus here is kids going nuts on the Blue Lightning and taking a break every so often for a premarital heavy petting interlude.  The movie tagline is, “Politics, popularity, paranoia, pharmaceuticals. Are you in?”  (You may now pause to stretch your collar and make a “too soon” grimace.)

I haven’t seen this movie, but IMDB gives it a strong 7.7, and it also features the talents of Quinn Shephard as “Eye Patch Girl” and Ashley Springer as “White Kid With Dreds.”  Furthermore, if four of you buy the DVD, Sony will give me a free house.  Wherever I want.  So let’s do this.

Exclusive hilarious redband trailer, after the J.  From the look of it, the real talent here is whoever plays the Italian kid.  ”A single p*ssy hair can pull a battleship through the desert.”  OK, Salvador Dali!  They grow up so fast. Continue »

If you know anything about Larry David, it’s that Larry David spends all of his time waiting forever for a restaurant table only to see his table given away to someone else who just walked in (OK: he spends some of his time protesting that he has to sign a “Get Well Soon” card for someone he doesn’t even like).  So naturally, when Larry David accidentally wandered onto the set of Hannah Montana and tried to get a table at the nicest restaurant in town, someone else walked in got served instead (Miley, obv).

Curb Your Enthusiasm on Hannah Montana.  Why, it makes about as much sense as Lindsay Lohan being hired as the head designer at a couture fashion label, or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sitting around the Hanukkah tree spinning the dreidel and eating latkes.  Or David Letterman playing 1998 Oval Office with all his interns.  What is it with this week?  It’s like the entire world is In Soviet Russia.  It’s like Ashton Kutcher popped out from behind your fridge and yelled, “Everything you understood to be the reality of existence in global society JUST GOT PUNK’D.”

He’s just bein’ Larry, after the jump.   Continue »

You guys ruined it.  The Fame Kills Tour featuring Kanye West and Lady GaGa has been called off, and it’s all your fault.  And by “you,” of course, I refer to “the ticket-buying (or more like not-buying) public.”  Or “creative differences.”  Or “Taylor Swift.”  Or “alcoholism.”  Definitely probably one of those things caused the tour to be called off, but which one?  Detective Music sleuths out the real culprit among the rumors for why a cruel God would sunder the beautiful union, after the jump.   Continue »

There was a lot of squawking and flapping when Lars von Trier’s new film Antichrist debuted at Cannes a few months ago.  I haven’t seen it, but apparently it assaulted the eyes with both genital mutilation and Willem Dafoe (a real one-two punch right there), thus earning it accolades as the Gross Art Movie of the Year.  But now it looks like Christmas came twice for perverts this year, because there’s a literally sick new movie on the block, and it is called Human Centipede.  From a description of the film:

In The Human Centipede, Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser) is a leering, sepulchral surgeon from Germany whose specialty is separating Siamese twins. Dr. Heiter decides to evolve his craft by sewing together living beings together at the “mucous-cutaneous zone” (guess) in order to create Siamese triplets with a single digestive system.

Since “mucous-cutaneous” could mean a lot of things, I’ll give you a hint: it is much, much better to be the first person in the centipede than the second.  So far only a short but disturbing clip of the flick seems to have been released.  Plus more description, after the jump.   Continue »

So yesterday the internet crapwheel (like a waterwheel, but powered by a swift-flowing torrent of crap) was spinning pretty hard over the fact that rookie Saturday Night Live cast member Jenny Slate accidentally said “f*ck” on TV.  In the sketch, she played a biker chick who drops frick-bombs like it’s nothing, but, of course, when you’re fricking this and fricking that, those consonants and vowels can get slippery.  So she predictably (ha, new girl!) and accidentally let fly “I f*cking love you for that.”  And then made a classic “F*CK, I just said ‘f*ck’” facial expression.  There was immediately conjecture that she would be fired from the show like Charles Rocket was in 1981 for the same offense (his was “It’s the first time I’ve ever been shot in my life, and I’d like to know who the f*ck did it.”).

It sounds as though she only got a slap on the wrist, however, albeit a very hard slap.  Also the clip, after the jump…   Continue »

The theater: it’s the last safe place where famous people can get naked without worrying about it getting circulated all over the internet.  For this and other reasons, theater naked is considered the classiest variety of naked.  So that’s the kind of naked Anna Friel is doing now.  According to ONTD, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, the play Friel is starring in, debuted in London last night.  Friel plays Holly Golightly.

“The guys in the front row couldn’t believe it, their eyes were on stalks. It looked like they were about to pass out.”

OK then: a nude scene in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  The only question is, is it what Deep Blue Something would have wanted when they wrote the famous novel?  We’ll never know, I guess.  Oh, and the thing about no one taking pictures of nudity at the theater didn’t really work out.  Since someone took a bunch of pictures.  Link after the jump.   Continue »

Last night was a great night for you, if you enjoy not being surprised by the results of an awards show.  30 Rock won Best Comedy Series at the 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards.  Mad Men won Best Drama Series.  Same thing happened last year, which just proves that, uh, those are good shows.  (Aside: how goofy was Mad Men last night?  ”He’ll never golf again.”  Right?  I guess it was tongue-in-cheek or something, but not really Best Drama Series material, Mad Men.)  Family Guy did not win the Emmy on account of it not being 30 Rock, but Gatecrasher reports that Seth Macfarlane had some consolation:

“The girl kept slurring at Seth, begging him to take a picture with her. He just smiled, pointed at his friend’s father and said, ‘I’d rather take my picture with this guy.’ “

The biggest winner of all last night, plus full list of winners, after the jump.   Continue »

Celebrity Jeopardy is ice-cream-sundaes-on-a-Ferris-Wheel easy.  We’re talking actual clues that include hints like, ”It was no ‘mission impossible’ for him…” (this for $1000, no less) and “frankfurter dipped in batter.”  Well Alex, I still think you made that whole “corn dog” thing up, but I sure do recognize another Scientologist when I hear one!

However, for poor Wolf Blitzer, Celebrity Jeopardy was not to include any ice cream sundaes or Ferris Wheels.  It was hard, like division, and tying your shoes, and ignoring bullies!  Responding only encourages them, Wolf Blitzer!  Hilarious clip from the episode, after the J…   Continue »

To start you off this morning, I have a clip from a last night’s 10 o’clock news on FOX5 WNYW.  Anchor Ernie Anastos apparently did not graduate Television School, which is where you learn simple dictums of television such as, “Don’t swear on television,” “Don’t be drunk on television unless it is VH1,” and “Don’t use your favorite idiom about sex with chickens on television.”  I think he broke all three rules here!  I didn’t even go to Television School, and I can tell that much.  During a segment about young mothers working out, he talks over his co-anchor, catcalling the moms on the screen: “Hey, look at you!  Hey… lookin’ good out there, ok!”  (The moms can’t hear you, Ernie Anastos.)

But that’s nothing compared to the other bon mot he drops, presumably while thinking he’s off the air (language NSFW)…   Continue »

50 Cent is like the Google of the rap world.  He may not be good at every venture he undertakes (like “making rap music”), but the man is completely indefatigable about having an iron in every fire possible.  Guy is addicted to the hustle.  His agents are like, “50, you have a million bajillion dollars, you don’t need to develop and market a line of perfumes.  Ladies don’t want to smell like you!”  It’s not about the money, agents.  50 Cent book?  In stores soon (check the “Self Help: Slangin’” section).  50 Cent couture?  Look out the window, we blew by that miles ago.  Now we’re on 50 Cent moisturizer for men, 50 Cent vitamin supplements, 50 Cent limited edition half-dollar coin with certificate of authenticity from the U.S. Mint.

And with today’s appearance on Rachael Ray, 50 Cent looks poised to move on the gourmet cooking/kitchenware market as well…   Continue »