This is kind of funny.  Sorry, what I meant to say is, “Breaking the law is never funny.”  But if it were, ever, this might be one of those times.  CNN examines three cases of self-calling intoxication, two in which a drunk driver reports his or her own crime to 911 and one in which a cop who ate a bunch of confiscated weed thinks he is dying.  Although CNN does end it rather judgmentally: those who are without sin, cast the first stone and such.  Hey, guess what, CNN?  I don’t drink and drive.  I resent the implication that I have enough money to own a motor vehicle.

Via The Frisky.

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt

When you’re answering a job posting on Craigslist for “celebrity needed,” the requirements you have to meet are pretty lax, actually.  ”Some or no education,” “discreet at pre-noon drinking,” “have a face that magazine camera scientists can work with,” “can sign own name,” etc.

So should we really expect celebrities to come up with incisive, topical, and funny costumes for Halloween, considering the requisite celebrity skill set?  The answer is yes, because 1) some of these people have a good sense of humor or at least a good wardrobe guy, right? and 2) all of these people have so much damn money that they can waltz into a costume store and declare, “Hi, I’m Jamie Foxx, and for Halloween, I am going to be the recently unveiled experimental Ares IX Mars rocket.  The costume should be made entirely of regulation NASA parts, and I think it goes without saying that there should also be a motorized launchpad.  Please have it ready by 4.”  So really, there’s no excuse for these q-side Halloween get-ups.  Annotated gallery of the worst of celebrity Halloween (plus a few of the best), after the jump.   Continue »

Their list of victims reads like a list of, uh, rich people in Hollywood: Lohan.  Hilton.  Fox.  Tisdale.  Bilson.  Patridge.  Bloom (Orlando, not Harold).  They also got Brian Austin Green.  Using information from celebrity gossip sites, a gang of ultra-chic teenage burglars terrorized Tinseltown for almost a year, nipping $2 million in jewelry from Paris Hilton alone.  Five 18-year-olds who broke into the houses of 10 celebrities, holy crap. SADLY, they have been brought to justice.

“They thought it was fun, kind of an adrenaline rush,” Los Angeles police officer Brett Goodkin said. “They would go in and steal the celebrity’s clothes and possessions, things they could never afford on their own.”

As Robin something (Robin Thicke?  I think it was Robin Thicke) used to say, “Steal from the rich and give to yourself.”  One of the accused atoned, ”I just learned my lesson that I need to make some better friends and some better decisions as far as my friends go.”  WRONG.  You already have the best friends possible who make the coolest decisions possible.  I love this story.  These kids are now trying to slough off responsibility for the crimes, but they should be on the rooftops, shouting YOU BET I STOLE $2 MILLION BECAUSE AUDRINA PATRIDGE COULD NOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO SAFEGUARD HER MANSION FROM A BAND OF WAYWARD CHILDREN.  But how will the burglars be charged?   Continue »

Incongruity is funny, therefore you will LOL at this montage of clips from last night’s South Park.  Lady GaGa’s “Pokerface”… featured in a very special performance by Eric Cartman.  If you couldn’t figure out what the song was about before (gambling with muffins?  loving glue guns?), you definitely will still have no idea after watching this.  Cartman kind of kills it, though, unexpectedly.  I get the feeling that Trey Parker and Matt Stone initially only planned to show a brief clip of Cartman belting it out on DJ Hero, just for laffs, but then heard it and realized, hey this sounds kind of… right.

Via Idolator.

Who is the real Leonardo “The Lion” DiCaprio?  What kind of clothes does he wear?  What does he like to eat?  Does or doesn’t he like to do karate kicks?  Now you can know, courtesy of Hangin’ With Leo, the unauthorized documentary!  They rounded up some real experts in the Leo field for this one.  ”He likes to shop at the very best stores and buy the very most current kind of trendy clothing.”  ”Leonardo does not shop at expensive stores!”  Well you’re not Leo’s real mom!  I also enjoyed this: “despite the fact that Leo is a fast-food freak, he loves quality literature.”  Watch out, this man contains multitudes!  I don’t think anyone in this documentary has ever met Leonardo DiCaprio.

Source: Everything Is Terrible!

Pretty funny video today: if we have the shampoo out here, then what is Wesley using to wash his hair???  ”Eve!”  ”What?”  ”EVE!”

Not really the kid’s fault.  ”Summer’s Eve” sounds like a completely generic soap-product name and to figure out the term “feminine wash,” you have to be euphemizing at a solid tenth-grade level.  Happens to the savviest of us kids.  I remember them well, the corrections of mom and dad: that’s not toothpaste, that’s frosting!  That’s not cream of mushroom soup you’re eating, that’s lead paint (eggshell white)!  That’s not Wall-E, that’s Event Horizon!  That’s not an invisible friend who lives on our roof, that’s another reason for us to ask our provider about kids’ mental health insurance plans!

Besides, am I the only one who thinks women have kind of monopolized the scent of a summer’s eve?  I, a man, might have wanted to smell like the best time of day during the best season, except some clown in Dove marketing had to make it a genitals thing.  Despite what (sexist) ad campaigns by Big Deodorant tell you, men don’t only want to smell like crime-fighting steamship captains.   Continue »

Americans love to hate our celebrity degenerates.  There is an aspect of things lurid and inaccessible to us that fascinates – I can’t be sitting around shooting heroin all the time because these spreadsheets aren’t going to spread themselves, etc. – but we’re also unsympathetic and spiteful like, hey Britney Spears, how dare you be so rich and famous and still think you have a right to have problems.  Of course, we also like to see successful people fail in humiliating ways, and Kanye West sort of responds to all that with his new Spike Jonze-directed short film We Were Once a Fairytale.

The film opens with Kanye drunk in the club, being obnoxious in a way that could only make sense to a really blitzed person.  (“I just wanted to f*cking have a good time, and somebody sends this stupid-@ss bottle over!  I don’t want any special treatment!”  How come when some people get drunk, they insist on paying for things for no reason?  That is a pretty inconvenient drunken reflex, in general.)  Kanye of stumbles through a crowd of disapproval-faced people (SOCIETY), acting the fool, and then he has sort of an Alien chest-burst moment in the bathroom.  Anyway, usually celebrities answer allegations of breakdowns and bad behavior through careful publicist statements, but Kanye’s pretty much saying, I brought this all on myself, but I don’t like it any more than you do (upside of a big ego: you own your flaws).  And everyone is like, yup, that’s our Kanye, always falling all over Fonzworth Bentley in the club and then tearing demon squirrels out of his intestines.  The whole short, after the jump.   Continue »

Semi-serious discussion about the intersection of art and rape?  As if, Georges Bataille!  Let’s all just enjoy this video of an intoxicated man attempting to buy beer at a convenience store on a Tuesday morning.  Whoa, he is so drunk!  Oh, you’ve already seen it?  Watch again and learn.  See, always lead with the left foot!  It’s also possible that Dr. Mustachio Ponytail here actually took a high dosage of hallucinogens and has become convinced that his legs are made of spaghetti.  And he’s trying to buy beer to help him come down.  So, you know, don’t you sit there on your high horse in your glass house, writing in your, uh, ledger of disapproval.

Via Geekologie.

Growing up, I had an uncle, one of like 7 on my mom’s side, whom I was told to avoid.  ”If Uncle Jackson shows up at our door, lock the dead-bolt and come get Mommy or Daddy.”  I always imagined that Uncle Jackson had a car on which one of the quarterpanels was a different color than the rest of the body, and that he paid for any purchase under $10 with expired coupons and coins (“Uncle Jackson doesn’t use the Coinstar because it gives 5% of your change away to charities”).  But what would have happened if Uncle Jackson had married a fantastically rich but reality-handicapped superstarstress?  The answer, of course, is Kevin Federline.  K-Fed was recently sued to the tune of $110,661 by the owners of the last house he rented.

Kevin Federline did not pay the rent, you see (party foul!), and also created a bit of a mess.  Here is the list of home defurbishments listed in the suit, all donated by the Kevin Federline Extreme Home Makeover Experience, plus pictures.

1) Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles…   Continue »

Obviously, it’s easy to sit here and make fun of this, but when you’re sixteen years old, you only have so many ideas, and even less money.  So I’m going to commend young rapper Boostalk for what is positive in his new internet-single “We Gon’ Rock.”

1) He is pretty good at backflips.  Better than I am.

2) He sank that basket.

3) I like his rad Enyce shirt.

4) He is playing outside and enjoying the sunshine instead of spending all his time indoors with his internet chatrooms and his Nintendo 64.