Tonight at 10 (British o’clock) on Sky 1, professional chatter with the dead Derek Acorah is going to hit Michael Jackson up on his Heaven Nextel!  ”Michael Jackson: The Live Seance” will be held “on an island … in a secret location familiar to Jackson.”

“We have chosen genuine Michael Jackson fans and people who knew him throughout his life to take part in this event,” Howell added. “Derek will also have a personal item from Michael Jackson, and will invite everyone to sit quietly and channel positive thoughts … he can’t force Michael to appear, but he will try inviting his spirit by creating welcoming environment.”

How much do you bet Michael Jackson appears?  I bet a million dollars that he does!  ”The spirit seems to be making a punching motion.  Does anyone in the audience have a deceased friend or family member or favorite pop music performer who might find a “hit it” or “whack it” motion significant?  Perhaps something to do with a beloved pet or childhood toy or number-one-charting 1982 single?… OK, look, it’s f*cking Michael Jackson, and he says, uh, thanks for liking my songs and, uh, don’t forget to feed my chimpanzee.”

MTV via Idolator.

Tom Morello, legendary Rage Against the Machine axe man, was once a young musician out there trying to get the paper as best he could.  And as it happens, they hand out quite a bit of paper at your friendly local Scores VIP Lounge.  Says he:

When I graduated from Harvard and moved to Hollywood, I was unemployable [ed: uh?]. I was literally starving, so I had to work menial labour and, at one point, I even worked as an exotic dancer. ‘Brick House’ [by The Commodores] was my jam! I did bachelorette parties and I’d go down to my boxer shorts. Would I go further? All I can say is thank god it was in the time before YouTube! You could make decent money doing that job – people do what they have to do.

A Harvard degree, guitar virtuosity, and an azz like a model?  ”Literally starving.”  Psh.  Tom Morello could make money on the moon.  More hilarity, ATJ.   Continue »

Let me be the first to admit that this is not a story.  It is just a series of vaguely nonsense details describing the type of non-event that happens in a bar and you retell it the next day, excitedly, as though it were an event, but it is not.  You always do this, and no one wants to hear your stupid stories!

People want to hear Mischa Barton’s stories, though.  (Literally.  People literally want to know about the things that Mischa Barton does.  Think about that.)  Anyway, Mischa Barton got in a bar fight over Halloween!  It was so crazy!  After the jump.   Continue »

I like to eat apples, but I like to eat steaks as well.  So as someone who sees no problem with eating both apples and steaks, I cannot but condone an American’s right to dress up as an animal and dress up as the Insane Clown Posse.  Hence, Jugfurs.  From the YouTube description of a very necessary slideshow of Jugfurs, which is after the jump:

ANYWHO, yeah, of the million excess juggalos, and eight hundred thousand furries, (these are old figures BTW) there are those that have an intrest in both. And I can’t count them on 2 hands. There is a FA user group, and last time I checked, we top’d it out at over 200 jugfurs. Thats of the 14K that use the site.

Haha, love the caveat: census figures on Furries and Juggalos are AS YET incomplete, so do understand that my figures MAY DEVIATE SLIGHTLY FROM THAT DATA.  Video, plus more insight into the mind of a person whose ardent love of wearing trailer clown makeup is forced to compete with his love of fetishizing the birds and the beasts (way ill-starred, yo!)… after the jump. Continue »

UPDATE: Thanks to commenter S for pointing out that this article originated at a site called “The Faking News,” which I guess is sort an Indian Onion?  Another headline from the site is “Did Savita Bhabhi Know Too Much About Spectrum Allotment Scam?” so, yeah, obviously if I had seen that I would have known the entire thing was fake news.  Total egg-meet-face moment!

The Axe Effect: when you spray AxeTM aerosol deodorant or rinse with AxeTM Body Wash and the new Axe Detailer Shower ToolTM, and moments later, beautiful women are thrown into a fit of disrobing, by your sporty, musky essence.  We’ve all been there, obviously.  For example, just this morning, I was dousing myself with Axe Cranberry SlayTM in my Axe Room (similar to a bathroom), when I hear this knock at the door.  I look through the peephole, and whoa!  It’s a total girl!  When I open the door, she’s like, I heard there was Red Bull Vodka and Auto-tuned music in here.  And I was like, bro, I was just about to mix a Red Bull Vodka (I showed her the bottle of Stoli in my non-Axe hand to corroborate this) and play a Trey Songz album!

Anyway, one thing led to another, and pretty soon it was like Halloween night all over again: I was tired and alone and had had a reasonably good time!  Rocking!

But it turns out that the Axe Effect doesn’t work with all guys.  One man in India, in fact, is suing Lynx (the Indian Axe) for ”depression and psychological damage” after using Lynx for seven years without romantic success…   Continue »

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt

When you’re answering a job posting on Craigslist for “celebrity needed,” the requirements you have to meet are pretty lax, actually.  ”Some or no education,” “discreet at pre-noon drinking,” “have a face that magazine camera scientists can work with,” “can sign own name,” etc.

So should we really expect celebrities to come up with incisive, topical, and funny costumes for Halloween, considering the requisite celebrity skill set?  The answer is yes, because 1) some of these people have a good sense of humor or at least a good wardrobe guy, right? and 2) all of these people have so much damn money that they can waltz into a costume store and declare, “Hi, I’m Jamie Foxx, and for Halloween, I am going to be the recently unveiled experimental Ares IX Mars rocket.  The costume should be made entirely of regulation NASA parts, and I think it goes without saying that there should also be a motorized launchpad.  Please have it ready by 4.”  So really, there’s no excuse for these q-side Halloween get-ups.  Annotated gallery of the worst of celebrity Halloween (plus a few of the best), after the jump.   Continue »

You may think that’s just a clever title and that the subsequent text is simply some passing sex kerfuffle between two high-profile idiots, but no, Paris Hilton truly spent literal money for a witch doctor to put a hex on Cristiano Ronaldo (if you’ll recall, they did stuff together).  The shaman, only known to the press as “Pepe the Witch” (I am not making this up), drove supernatural demons into Ronaldo’s ankle, forcing him to the sidelines for a week.

Pepe has revealed that his remit is “to do everything possible to prevent Cristiano Ronaldo continuing his career in football” and that he will take his voodoo doll of the player and “stab him in the spine”.

Initially, Pepe was coy about revealing who put the hit out, intimating only that she was a ”jilted lover,” “non-European,” and “a very wealthy heiress form a well-known family.”  ”Oh, and her name rhymes with Shmaris Blilton.”  (I made that part up, he did not say that.)

Paris confirmed that the client was, indeed, her.  But now Ronaldo has himself turned to dark arts practitioners, in hopes of exorcising Pepe’s curse…   Continue »

Insane Clown Posse - how truthful is the cover to the book?  Insane?  Not really.  Most professionals in the fields of mental health and the law now consider insanity to be a clinical condition, typically due to neurological imbalances.  Would our health care system allow a truly insane 37-year-old man spend twenty years pretending to be a character from Twisted Metal while screaming verses of something called Bang! Pow! Boom!…?  (That argument brought to you by citizens for the public option.)  Posse?  Well there are just the two guys.  So not really a posse.  Insane Clown Duo, more like.  Clowns?  Sure, we can agree on that assessment.  But are they true clowns, or are they clowns… like a fox?  Because this so-called posse of so-called insane clowns (so-called) are netting $10 million every year from their act for, I don’t know, 401Ks or scholarship funds for their children or whatever insane clowns put their savings toward.

How do ICP continue to profit as the rest of the music industry walks the plank?  Well, according to the Detroit Free Press, when the face paint comes off, these guys are more like the Completely Sane Serious Posse of their business model…   Continue »

It’s always pretty funny when this stuff happens: Tyler Synon, an unemployed 22-year-old who appeared on season 2 of VH1’s Tool Academy, was arrested for acting like a jack@ss in a bar over the weekend.  According to the police report, the kid

“had been having an issue with another group of guests” and was asked to leave. Synon allegedly “took a swing” at the employee who asked him to get out, then “hit a wall and a sign” as he was exiting the bar, causing damage to both.

Drunken assault and property damage that isn’t even funny: definitely the one-two punch of tool infractions.  No more Jager for you!  Here’s the best detail:   Continue »

It’s that time of the year again!  Unproductive Day!  According to a poll by, uh, the Canary Island Tourism Board, today, this very Monday, is the least productive workday of the year.  The poll found that productivity in the workplace will decrease this week by the fairly astonishing and a little suspicious figure of 50%, while 54% of workers “will struggle to get to grips with their work-load today,” mostly because they are sad about how the sun is gone.  And also that Lil Wayne is going to prison.  Eight percent planned to call in sick, which kind of ruins it for the folks who are actually ill today rather than just sitting at home taking Vicodin and making Halloween costumes.  It doesn’t even take that much effort to dress like Bella and Edward, guys.  You don’t need a whole day off to do it.

After the jump, a brief guide to popular activities people are doing today instead of their jobs.  Continue »