Paris Hilton Inflicts Voodoo Curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, Seriously

You may think that’s just a clever title and that the subsequent text is simply some passing sex kerfuffle between two high-profile idiots, but no, Paris Hilton truly spent literal money for a witch doctor to put a hex on Cristiano Ronaldo (if you’ll recall, they did stuff together).  The shaman, only known to the press as “Pepe the Witch” (I am not making this up), drove supernatural demons into Ronaldo’s ankle, forcing him to the sidelines for a week.

Pepe has revealed that his remit is “to do everything possible to prevent Cristiano Ronaldo continuing his career in football” and that he will take his voodoo doll of the player and “stab him in the spine”.

Initially, Pepe was coy about revealing who put the hit out, intimating only that she was a ”jilted lover,” “non-European,” and “a very wealthy heiress form a well-known family.”  ”Oh, and her name rhymes with Shmaris Blilton.”  (I made that part up, he did not say that.)

Paris confirmed that the client was, indeed, her.  But now Ronaldo has himself turned to dark arts practitioners, in hopes of exorcising Pepe’s curse…  

Ronaldo hired out a “mysterious sorcerer” named Fafa to protect his ankle.

“I have lit candles next to a picture of Cristiano to put the matter to an end,” he said.

“It’s completely solved, Cristiano.  That will be five million dollars.”  Oh, and this was another gem from the story.  Paris on Ronaldo:

“I can’t stand it when someone is mean,” she complained to the celebrity gossip publication. “I want a man anyway, not someone who runs about like a little girl. He’s a wimp!”

Rumor has it that Cristiano  plans to hire seven dwarves, the Tooth Fairy, Lucky the Leprechaun, the great wizard El Culo Mysterioso,  Fredo Dumbledore, and Criss Angel, Mindfreak, to deploy a Level 36 Orb of Narcotics Possession in retaliation against Paris.

Source: Goal.com via Idan, who is not technically superstitious because the Shower Drain Man is REAL.