Be Careful Who You Cheat On Your Wife With

Because if you’re not, she could team up with your wife and glue your d*ck to your stomach.  NBC Chicago reports that a man from Fond du Lac, WI failed to heed this advice, and paid dearly:

The women’s plot for revenge unfolded last Thursday at the Lakeview Motel about 30 miles southwest of Green Bay in the tiny village of Stockbridge near the scenic shores of Lake Winnebago.

Criminal complaints filed Friday allege the man agreed to be bound with “sheer sheets” and blindfolded with a pillowcase for a “rub down” by Ziemann. She instead cut off his underwear with a scissors and summoned the others to the room with a text message.

And that’s when it started to get Pulp Fiction in there…  

Ziemann struck the man in the face, and used Krazy Glue to attach his penis to his stomach when the other women arrived, according to the complaints. The man told investigators he also was threatened with a gun. Ziemann told investigators she didn’t have a gun but may have told the victim, “Do you know how much I want to shoot you?”

He started screaming and the women rushed off fearful that he could get loose and hurt them but allegedly took his wallet, vehicle and cell phone.

Now that will ruin your day.  This poor sap thinks he’s gonna get some, and instead gets a punch in the face, a superglued d*ck, and a stolen wallet/car/phone, all while he is completely immobile.  And here all he did was cheat on his wife with a few other women, whom he met on Craigslist.  But as if the physical torment and robbery weren’t enough, they had to get all “girly” on him too:

During Thursday’s confrontation with the man, Ziemann told investigators Sewell asked him, “Which one do you love more?” and the man’s wife made a derisive remark about him being scared.

But eventually this particular man decided he had had enough bullsh*t, and it was time to go Aron Ralston on this sitch:

The man got free from the bed by chewing through one of his bindings, went outside and borrowed a telephone from the motel owner to call police.

Well, maybe not quite Aron Ralston, but we’ll call it lemonade from lemons, at least.  No mention of how or whether the member in question became unglued, nor whether its owner has been able to stand up straight or pee anywhere except his own face.