Secret KFC Recipe Code Finally Cracked

Kentucky Fried Chicken has always claimed that no mortal man may gaze upon the recipe of 11 secret herbs and spices that shimmer on the crispy skin of its chicken and lodge in the arteries of so many Americans like big fatty delicious fallen trees blocking a swiftly flowing river current.  But one man did not accept this.

He tried bribing the cooks.  He tried claiming that his wife had severe allergies and needed to know the ingredients in food.  The Colonel stood firm: some secrets must never be revealed.  Yet “avid cook and Kentucky Fried Chicken fan” (oxymoron alert there?) Ron Douglas claims to have deciphered the KFC code…  

The decision has so far paid off: Douglas scored a deal with Simon & Schuster, which published his “America’s Most Wanted Recipes” earlier this month. The book includes a recipe for KFC’s 11 herbs and spices — which Douglas says he discovered after six attempts.

“The exact recipe has never been released,” Douglas admitted, “but mine comes really, really close. I kept trying, and with the help of the online community, we figured out a recipe that’s so good most people can’t tell the difference.”

But the KFC executives responded, “Baha.  Bahahaha!  BAHAHAHAHA!  Foolish Ron Douglas, you will be brought low by your hubris!  You think you know the KFC secret recipe?  You cannot even comprehend what it feels like to be in the same building as One Who Knows the secret recipe.  Have you felt the thousand beatific suns shining directly on your face and yours alone, Ron Douglas?  Have you witnessed the eleven ancient scrolls of the Book of Sanders unfurl at the exact same time as if by the hand of God, all emblazoned in the many-hued language of Truth with a script of the purest light in the visible universe?

You have not.

“Colonel Sanders’ Secret Recipe of 11 herbs and spices is one of the most famous recipes in the world, and the precautions taken to safeguard the identity of the ingredients are second to none,” said Rick Maynard, a KFC spokesman. “Plenty of people have tried to duplicate the recipe over the years [but all have failed!], but there is still only one place to get authentic Original Recipe Chicken — at a KFC restaurant.”

Do you know what else you can get at a KFC restaurant?  Hepatitis, but also the new $5 Fill-Up Box, a delicious chicken-and-grease-based entree paired with a side of your choice and a fountain soda or High C for if you’re too much of a p*ssy to drink a carbonated drink.

That is only $5!  I would eat there every day if I didn’t want to live to 30/didn’t live in stupid hipster anti-corporate-chain organic-food-genuflecting PETA-fellating vegan woman paradise Brooklyn.  I swear to God there’s not so much as a f*cking Quiznos in my neighborhood.

Source: MSNBC.