Serial Exercise Ball Slasher Fetishist on the Loose in Minnesota

July 20th, 2009

By: Ben

Police are searching for a serial exercise-ball-slasher on the lam in Minnesota.

Christopher Neil Bjerkness, 31, is accused of breaking into the St. Mary’s/Duluth Clinic West building at 4212 Grand Ave., where he allegedly slashed exercise balls, apparently with a sharp knife.

This man is not a first-time offender. He was arrested in 2005 in connection with the slashings of 72 exercise balls. At the trial, he admitted to an additional 40 victims. By 2006, he was back at the defendant’s table. It is not safe for exercise balls to be in the same town as this man, much less the same room. But why all the ball busting?

Because slashing exercise balls is the only love Christopher Neil Bjerkness has ever known.

Court documents in the earlier cases indicate that Bjerkness told Duluth police he slashed the rubber balls to satisfy a sexual urge. He said he popped some of them with his hands. Experts in the field said that Bjerkness has a fetish or unusual attraction to inflatable exercise devices.

Ah yes, do you think so, experts? (Also… experts in what field? Unusual fetishes or exercise balls?)

SMDC officials said special camera systems were installed and overtime paid to catch Bjerkness in the prior acts…

As part of his probation, Bjerkness was ordered to undergo psychological counseling but he left his therapy group in April 2008, according to the criminal complaint. A licensed psychologist said the defendant was not attempting to get better and “continues to be a risk to society.”

Can a society that does not allow your illicit love of tenderly knifing large, brightly-colored rubber balls while touching yourself between the legs… really be called a society at all? If you see this man, please call your local law enforcement agency immediately. Caucasian, 5′8″ to 5′10″, may be wearing glasses, should be considered armed and extremely dangerous to exercise balls.