To Lindsay Lohan, On Your Birthday:

July 2nd, 2009

By: Ben

Dear Lindsay:

Happy birthday! You made it to 23! That’s a big milestone – you’re only two years shy of being old enough to drive a rental car, provided your license is not suspended. But in seriousness, 23 is a fantastic time.

Some people are giving you grief (haters, all) that your birthday party over the weekend was “sponsored,” that you were paid $70,000 by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas to host a pool party, show off five different brands of bathing suits [pictures after the jump!] , and promote your self-tanning product (I get The Irish too sometimes. But pale skin is the least of our heritable problems, as you know!)…

Anyway, I think those people are jealous. When have they ever been paid $70,000 just to get older? I am a young person like you, and I am often not in possession of more than $700 at a given time, much less $70,000! Though your lifestyle is probably more expensive than mine, as you are responsible for your own wardrobe while I typically let Santa Claus pick out most of mine, and you date women with high tastes while, in cash-strapped times, I sometimes use the Open Barometer to measure my matches. (It’s when you take a girl out to an open bar for your first date, and if she likes it, she is probably a Fun Girl.)

Page Six claims that you are running low on money too, though, so maybe you can try the Open Barometer sometime yourself. I have a feeling you’ll like it! In fact, if you want, next time you’re in New York, I can show you some fun “recession-friendly” hangout spots, and we can drink well whiskey and hit on college chicks together – offer is on the table.

I know this hasn’t been the best year for you – breakups, bad press, shoplifting allegations – but then, last year wasn’t so great either. Or the one before. And now you’re single, poor, out of a job, a little addicted, and confused about how life brought you here and where the hell it’s going to take you next. Welcome to being 23! You traveled a slightly different path there than most of us, but we all find our footing. You’ll be all right.

Best of luck, and as the Irish say, “May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far.” Wise, those folks. Here’s to the second act.

XOXO,

-Ben