Sharks Will Stop at Nothing to Murder You

They slang hard drugs, cause the ruination of innocent pretty young girls, and now it has been revealed that they will murder you in cold blood: sharks are the Sex Pistols of the ocean!

A new study by a shark researcher and a crime sleuth links the hunting practices of sharks to those of human serial killers.

They don’t attack at random, but stalk specific victims, lurking out of sight.

But that’s not all…  

They were focused. They stalked from a usual base of operations, 100 yards from their victims. It was close enough to see their prey, but not close enough to be seen and scare off their victims. They attacked when the lights were low. They liked their victims young and alone. They tried to attack when no other sharks were around to compete. They learned from previous kills.

And they attacked from below, unseen.

After making a kill, sharks scratch out the eyes of the victim and violate the body with a cow prod.  They then write the lyrics of children’s rhymes on the walls in the victim’s blood.  Some sharks will use the skin of the victim to make lampshades and book covers.

There’s a big difference between great white sharks and serial killers and it comes down to that old gumshoe standard: motive. The great whites attack to eat and survive, not for thrills. And great whites are majestic creatures that should be saved, Hammerschlag said.

Compelling case you’re making!

Martin and Hammerschlag watched sharks from sunrise to sunset, applied the “fancy math” of geographic profiling and came out with plots that showed there was some real stalking going on, Hammerschlag said. Older sharks did better and were more stealthy than younger, smaller sharks, demonstrating that learning was occurring, he said.

By the way, Martin is R. Aidan Martin, “a Canadian shark researcher who has since died.”  Because he knew too much.

Source: AP via Gawker.