Get This: The Comfort Wipe Will Change The Way You Wipe Your Butt

“If you think about it, toilet paper is archaic and DISGUSTING!” exclaims the unfortunate out-of-work actress who had to take a gig as the Comfort WipeTM spokeslady.  Apparently we’ve been using the same outdated toilet paper technology since the 1880s!  As they say, if it ain’t broke, don’t miss an opportunity to cash in on a stupid novelty gimcrack that does not improve on it at all.

Welcome to the Comfort Wipe, a glorified back-scratcher that sticks toilet paper into your butt for you.

“It’s perfect for everyone, especially if you have trouble easily reaching because of physical limitations such as bad shoulder or other mobility litimations.”

Like being FAT.  They’re pretty upfront about that in the infomercial, after the jump:  

It grabs and holds the toilet tissue in perfect postions so you can easily wipe yourself. When you’re done, just dispense the soiled tissue right in the toilet with the press of a button.

The golden line: “Being a big man has its advantages and its disadvantages… This is a great product.”  Sometimes the unspoken words in a statement are the loudest.

Product page: Comfort Wipe.