Ronaldo’s Big Day

There is a soccer player named Cristiano Ronaldo who is very famous in some small countries.  He is so famous that a famous team in one island nation, called “Manchester United,” is trading him to a famous team in Better Mexico, called “Real Madrid.”  For $131 million.  That’s by far the most one team has paid another to allow a player to break contract and transfer teams early (Ronaldo had been obliged to stay with Man U until 2012).

So Ronaldo was living large that day.  He spent $20,000 at a club!  The world was his to lose!  But that very same night, his life was tragically cut short when he f*cked Paris Hilton.   

He doesn’t know this yet, but test results will prove it soon enough.  And of course, there’s the Paris Hilton Curse to be accounted for – everything she touches turns to rehab.  (You’ll remember from this morning that Paris got single yesterday.)

The pair then headed to MyHouse at 11.20pm and Paris made a beeline for Ronaldo’s table.

The Portuguese star left the club with Paris at 3am and drove to Nicky’s pad in West Hollywood.

He was spotted leaving at 5am, sporting trademark grin.

Ronaldo has wanted to be traded to Real Madrid for at least a year now.  In December, before eventually reconsidering, the Man U owner made a prescient statement:

Ferguson’s irritation boiled over in December when he said he “wouldn’t sell Madrid a virus.”

In the wake of Ronaldo’s penis’s trip into a biological warzone last night, I would say, rather, that he just sold them many viruses.

Source: SI, The Sun.