How to Hire a Prostitute

So you’ve seen The Girlfriend Experience, you have some kind of bohemian Dutch why-not? sensibility, and you’re thinking, maybe it’s time for me to get involved in this whole prostitute thing.  Where do you start?

Well, a University of Chicago study found that 16% of American men had “purchased a sex act” at some point in their lives.  According to a separate study, of Japanese men, only 14.6% had hired a prostitute in the five years before the study.  So, most likely, you’ve never hired a prostitute.  If you wanted to, how would you go about it?  All you’ll ever need to know, after the jump.

You have more or less three options: escort services/online escorts, brothels, and streetwalkers. 

1) Escort Services/Online Escorts: This is the safest, most discreet, most professional, and most humane form of prostitution.  Naturally, it is also the most expensive.

Technically, in the United States, an escort service does not actually provide sex – that’s not legal.  And there are, indeed, a few that just provide a basic simulacrum of romance and companionship for an evening.  But with most escort services, there is the unspoken understanding that, yes, you will be provided with a love-time experience.

The internet, as it is in most sex-related pursuits, can be a great friend or terrible enemy in hiring an escort.  Google “[your city]” and “escort service,” and, wow, there they all are, with names like Hi-Class Palace or Panther Rabbit Den.  If you’re looking for an online escort, it works the same way, but the sites are Craigslist and AdultFriendFinder.  (Last week, the Craigslist Erotic Services pages were shut down, so that’s not an option for the moment, though Craigslist being Craigslist, the hookers will find a way to prevail no doubt.)  That easy!  But if you take the description of the women on the service’s website at face value, you may be in for disappointment.  Once you’re on the phone, sort out the particulars of your purchase.  Ask if “full female companionship” or the “girlfriend experience” are part of the package (those mean sex).  According to a guy who has somehow made a career of sexing with hookers:

Typically, the escort service will tell you that there is an “agency fee” that goes to the service and then there are “tips” — which is what you pay the pro for her services. On the phone they won’t likely give you a price list of what you get for what money, but you can ask questions like, “If I have $200 on me, do you think that would cover the average tip?” This will give you a ballpark idea of what you’ll be paying. I used to live in Springfield, Missouri, and around there usually a $100 tip and a $50 agency fee will get you laid. In San Francisco expect to pay between $250 – $400.

Ask for what you want in some detail. You may be looking for a personality type, for instance, or someone with a specific ethnic background.  If you’re interested in anything unusual, like anal, bondage, costumes, or whatever, you should say what you’re interested in.

She’ll come to your place.  Make sure you give good directions, set the mood a bit, hide your valuables, and be nice.  Pay first (you put the money on a table or dresser, rather than hand it to her directly), undress yourself first (these are are half-assed attempts to skirts sex-for-hire laws), get your condom ready (no one’s trying to get AIDS here), tell her what you want when she asks, and you’re good to go.

These women are professionals and make a lot of money – the best charge as much as $5,500 an hour.  And remember: no kissing on the mouth!

2) Brothels:  When you go to a brothel, you’ll most likely be in a locale where prostitution is legal or open, at least.  So compared to using an escort service, there will be a lot less beating around the bush.  The proverbial bush, anyway!  Here’s how it works in the typical Nevada brothel: you will sit down in the brothel’s lobby.  The available women will assemble for you, and you choose one.  Then you’ll negotiate a price in the woman’s room, typically for half an hour of oral and vaginal sex.  Management usually gets half.

The typical price, according to Wikipedia, is about $300 for that special half-hour, though it can be as low as $100, or, indeed, much, much higher.  Few brothels have preset prices, though.  In Nevada, there are 28 licensed brothels, and, by law, all are in counties of fewer than 400,000 inhabitants.  So no Las Vegas.

Famous international red-light districts include Thailand’s Patong Beach, Hamburg’s Reeperbahn, London’s King’s Cross neighborhood, Tijuana’s Zona Norte, and of course, Amsterdam’s De Wallen.  Here’s a full list.  Prostitution is fully legal in the Netherlands, Germany, Austria, and New Zealand.

3) Street Prostitution: You’ve seen the premium-channel documentaries or at least Hustle and Flow, right?  Chances are if you hire a streetwalker, she’s a fourteen-year-old drug addict with no teeth and you’re a sociopathic rape fantansizer, also with no teeth.

My understanding is that this works pretty simply.  You identify her as a prostitute by the fact that she’s dressed as a prostitute.  You do some kind of sex thing in your car as diseases spark back and both between your bodies.  Then you pay her.  Then either she stabs you in the neck, or vice versa.

But in all seriousness, prostitutes, especially street prostitutes, have a mortality rate 200 times that of other women and are 18 times more likely to be murdered.  Be nice, be fair, and no kissing on the mouth!  Did the ShamWow guy teach you nothing?