The Five Most Terrifying Foods from a Can
April 30th, 2009
By: Ben
Today I came across a curious supermarket product (on the internet, I mean; I do all my real-life food shopping at Boston Market) called Sweet Sue’s Whole Canned Chicken. Literally three pounds of straight-up whole chicken right there in a can. You can buy them on Amazon in a six-pack for $49.99. As you can see in the picture, it looks like a hippo getting an abortion. I can’t imagine anyone eating one of these, ever, much less six of them. More canned chicken and four other delicious dinners that will withstand the Apocalypse, after the jump.
I also found a messageboard discussing Sweet Sue’s Canned Chicken. The first post:
This is an unbelievable treat. A whole 3 + lb Chicken in a Can. Best tasting chicken I ever eaten. I send them to my boy in Afghanistan. He is the most popular guy on Mail day. Great for camping and first dates.
Afghanistan makes sense – the nom du jour for this sort of thing is “enhanced interrogation.” But a first date? Are you serious? “Yeah dinner and a movie could be fun, but I thought that instead we might stay in and watch my pet lobsters fight. Maybe crack open a sixer of Sweet Sue’s.”
Cheeseburger in a Can:
The already-notorious cheeseburger in a can is a German delicacy. Perhaps you’re familiar with the practice of “keistering.” All I’ll say is it’s a very effective and unpleasant way to insert methamephematine into your body. This cheeseburger appears to come pre-keistered.
Silkworm Pupae:
Seasoned with love and nestled in a can, these silkworm maggots are like popcorn in Korea. Apparently they are sold by street vendors. Also good for dates, if you’re dating Tony Bourdain or a corpse.
Jellied Eels:
Look at the packaging: Bradley’s Traditional Jellied Eels – Ready to Eat! Yeah… ready to eat your face.
Fish Mouths:
What’s that monster in Return of the Jedi that Luke has to fight in Jabba the Hutt’s dirty basement? This looks like that. I would buy this stuff and put it in fun places around my house for friends to discover. The glove box, the shower drain, on their chests while they sleep…
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Euhh, pardon me for sayin this but tht shet is funken nasty. I don’t even know if my dog would eat this stuff. This is why I went vegetarian for almost one year. Where’s the spam? imo, it’s up there too.
Chicken in a can – just like mother used to make. And you wonder why my family is [was] fat and why it makes me so cheery….
Good stuff, Maynard. It is all to obvious that all you squeamish wimps are stay at home momma boys or girls. I travel the world and eat stranger food that this. This is mild stuff compared to what I devour. How about scorpions, and tarantulas. Crickets and live worms. Yum.
And I see that Amazon offers “Gift-wrap available” for the chicken. Hmmm, my moth-in-law likes chicken.
The review and customer pics on Amazon are worth more than I could ever say here.