The 2009 Golden Globes Took Place Last Night

The 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards were held in Beverly Hills last night, and as much as I’d like to tell you I sat through the show, the truth is I was watching that South Park rerun on the Peruvian flute bands and Anne Hathaway’s horse mug in “The Devil Wears Prada.”

There was a time when I used to beg my mom to let me stay up so I could watch the awards, but at that time I also played with Barbies and touched myself in secrecy. A lot has changed since then. So while I can’t give you a recap of the awards, I can give you a recap of all the babes that showed up. Let’s face it, you care more about the chicks then the awards anyway.

Click here for the list of winners.

66th Annual Golden Globe Awards Gallery – Pt. 1

Hayden Panettiere… I’m not saying she’s fat, but for a short girl gaining 5 lbs. makes a hell of a difference.

Elizabeth Banks… In my mind she’s the younger, sexier version of Chelsea Handler, but I’d still take Chelsea any day.

Eva Longoria…. Admit it, there’s something growing in your uterus. If we were to hold you up to a candle we could see the creature growing inside you. We already can.

America Ferrera… I think Ugly Betty is lame, but I love America and think she is absolutely beautiful. Sadly, I don’t know that many men would agree.

Vanessa Hudgens… Her nude photos will serve for a nice before and after comparison when she accepts Playboy’s offer to pose in the flesh five years from now.

Angelina Jolie… Kudos to her for contributing money and time to children in need. She still looks like a total c^nt.

Demi Moore… Ashton is tool. The end.

Isla Fisher… Is by far one of Hollywood sexiest redheads and I love the fact that she always has a smile on her face

Evan Rachel Wood… You’ll never be Dita Von Teese and for that reason you’ll always be second-best.

Christina Applegate… It’s impossible not to like this girl, but seriously, where are her boobs? I thought she said she was going to have the hottest pair in the nursing home?

Rita Wilson… Yes, I added Tom Hanks’ wife because he’s phenomenal, but most of all because I wanted to ask you: When did he get so old looking?

Anna Paquin… Two words: bottle opener.

66th Annual Golden Globe Awards Gallery – Pt. 2

Eva Mendes…. Needs to just hurry up and starting attending red-carpet events in some scantily-clad, see-through French maid uniform.

Drew Barrymore… Someone needs to keep an eye on her. Getting drunk and playing dress-up in your mom’s clothes and makeup is not hot.

Kate Beckinsale… Outshines most of these b!tchez.

Olivia Wilde… Is in severe need of a protein shot….or ten…million. 

Megan Fox… The girl is already ruining her good looks. She looks more like a statue than she does human. No me gusta.

Cameron Diaz… Is a prime example of how sun can age someone real fast. I still like her though. She’s a happy person. I like happy and natural, then trying to be sexy and plastic. *Cough* Megan Fox *Cough Cough*

Anne Hathaway… “Get Smart” sucked sweaty, old-man balls, but if she really is as good as people say she was in “Rachel Getting Married” then I’ll forgive her and her horse-mug.

Jennifer Lopez… Your heydays are over. Quit showing us your Rican rump roast and flat-chest in a plunging neckline. We don’t care.

Kate Winslet… H-O-T. I don’t know when this happened, but more power to her!

Renee Zellweger… “Empire Records” was still her best movie. Now she just looks like a mess-of-a-person with a bird’s nest for hair, who strangely enough has a nice b-u-t-t-. She must have borrowed Eva Longoria’s butt pad after she got knocked -up.

66th Annual Golden Globe Awards Gallery – Pt. 3

Beyonce… I’m so over her, but kudos to her anyway.

Rumer Willis… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Salma Hayek… This woman had a kid not too long ago and look at how ridiculously amazing she looks already! Puta!  Go ahead, call me out. I’m totally jealous. It’s true. Even Jesus jerks to this broad.

Jennifer Morrison… I love her on House and she definitely needs more attention from Hollywood. Again, another chick who’s always smiling. It’s such a great trait.

Miley Cyrus… You’re still underage. Put away your damn t!ts! Didn’t your momma raise you better? Oh, wait. Clearly that’s a N-O.

Heidi Klum…This woman is the definition of a MILF. She’s so beautiful people on the streets must just stare at her like she was a goddess resurrected from the heavens.

Lisa Rinna... A prime example of why you should be happy with what you were born with and avoid going under the knife. 

Brooke Burke… Wild On E! needs to come back with her as the host. That show was awesome. Then they went ahead and replaced it with Taradise. We should have known right then the network would host so many crappy reality shows endorsing morons.

- FIN -