*Hump Thursday: Blowjob Etiquette

So you wanna get laid, but your lady friend is still in the “I want you to respect me and like me for who I am” stage of the game? This often translates into one of two things: major blue balls or lots of blowjobs. Or maybe you’ve been with her for a while now, and she just doesn’t pay the beast enough love and attention anymore?

Either way, if a lady is going down on you, it is in the best interest of both of you to take a few factors into consideration. Otherwise, she may never come around for doubles again. Of any kind. It’s a lose-lose situation that can easily be prevented. Wanna know how? Then click

Blowjob Etiquette

Cleanliness

Last week many of you wrote me and thanked me for bringing up the factor of cleanliness as it applies to eating out a woman’s taco.  People must realize that cleanliness and good personal hygiene is very important as it pertains to sex. We needn’t all look like we’ve been signed on to be Vivid Entertainment’s next big thing, but thinking men and women like going to town on a clammy, hairy surface is just absurd!

Don’t get me wrong, sex is supposed to be dirty! It is for this reason that hygiene is so important. If you want your lady to really hunger for your meat, you don’t go giving her the local butcher’s sausage remains with lint and dust bunnies on it. No! You make sure to give her a your nice and big, throbbing grade-A steak, all cleaned, seasoned, and tied up with a red bow. (Not literally, of course.)

First things first– shower. Jump in that bathroom of yours, crank on the hot water, and while you’re at it, bring some scissors with you. Preferably the small ones you get in your nail kit, the kind you trim your nose hair with. You don’t want to lose control when using a big pair of scissor and have everyone in the neighborhood calling you Ball-less Fred.  A wide-toothed comb and shaving razor will also come in handy.

A real good blow job is more than just wrapping one’s lips around some dude’s shaft, so trust me when I say that you want your chocolate starfish to be as sparkling clean as possible. Don’t freak out, she’s not going to be shoving any fingers up there, but when a dude’s balls are resting on one’s nose, it’d be considerate for you boys to take our olfactory system into consideration.

Manscaping

Almost every guy I have ever dated hasn’t had the balls to tiding up his love-stick’s bush before I come over for a much needed mid-afternoon protein shot. What I am trying to say is that if you expect us ladies to be all trimmed and tidy down under, it is only fair that we expect the same from you. 

Once you are all showered up and clean, bust out those midget scissors and get to work! Keep in mind you’re trimming your bush, not a Bonsai tree. It doesn’t need to be perfect, nor shaped like a lightning bolt, it just needs to not be in our face while we’re hard at work sucking the life out of you. It’s not cool to have whiskers tickling one’s nose!

Remember to take your time. No smart girl is going to go down on you if you have cuts all over you main man. If she’s dumb enough to do it, that means she’s probably done other dudes with cuts all over their meat, too. Who knows what that chick has? Safety first!

You’ve already showered, but go back and wash your bush out with some shampoo and rinse. Take a wide-toothed comb and brush it out so as to remove any tangles.  Next, begin to cut your main man’s whiskers. Remember, it’s not a Bonsai, we just don’t want it in our noses! Some guys go a step further and shave or wax their balls. These are really up to your own personal preference, so far as I’m concerned. Although I will say shaving the balls can be beneficial. Your lady friend might be especially grateful if you did that. 

Finish by washing your area with some shampoo and rinsing. Make sure all the loose hair is gone. We don’t need them getting stuck in our throats!

Taste

There is a good majority of people who do not fully realize how what you eat really does determine what you taste like. If all you do is eat McDonald’s and cheddar cheese-flavored beef jerky, I’m telling you right now your spunk is whack. Yes, I said whack. That’s how awful I’m betting it tastes! If you fantasize with your partner guzzling your babies, sometimes all it takes is the first time to be super salty and extra chunky, and chances are she ain’t ever coming back. If you taste of salted honey, however, you’d be surprised how many women will love the taste of your nectar.

A man’s ejaculation is 90 percent fluids, such as fructose, vitamins, protein, salts, and water.  Only 1 percent is actual sperm. It is for this reason that the fluids that you put into your body directly affect what comes out of your body. Alcohol, caffeine, drugs, nicotine, and fast food are all pollutants and make one’s semen taste worse. It is recommended that you drink lots of water (around 8 glasses a day) and eat plenty of fruit and vegetables.

Fruit such as grapes, apples, mangos, pineapples, and cranberry all help sweeten the normally bitter taste. Vegetables help, too. However, you want to think it through before chowing down on some asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower, or cabbage. As far as meat products go, red meat makes one’s sperm saltier and should be avoided. Too much red meat is bad anyway, so this will help you out in more ways than one. Poultry and fish are recommended when taking your taste into consideration. Lemon, peppermint, parsley, celery, cinnamon, and wheatgrass are also known for making semen taste sweeter. 

And in case anyone doesn’t believe that you eat affects your fluids, here’s one for the record books. One of my ex-boyfriends was allergic to many a thing– from the sun, to the grass (as in, the kind you walk on), and even Tide. This one time we went out for Mexican food, where I munched on jalapeños with my tortilla chips. Later on in the night, after making like bunnies in heat, he began to yell for me to get off him. Apparently my taco became a jalapeño fluid hell-hole and was burning his willy. I never ate jalapeños for the next 9 months until we broke up.

Positions

The goal when having sex should never be to orgasm and get what you needed, but to enjoy it. The more comfortable each participant is, the more gratifying the experience will be.

Say, for example, it may get you all hot to see the reflection a woman on her knees giving you head in front of a mirror, but rest assure that after a while it becomes less pleasurable for us. Not only will we be in uncomfortable, but if we don’t feel comfortable, chances are we’re going to be holding back when massaging your head with our tongue.

It’s very common for a man to throw a pillow onto the floor. My suggestion would be to move it onto the bed or a comfortable rug, where both of you can take full advantage of the situation, unwind, and have fun!  Pillows aren’t secure and tend to slide, which can be very distracting. Sure, the mirror is fun, but it’s just one part of a bigger picture.

There are plenty more positions you can both do on the bed that won’t her either of your knees. The Throat Swabbing Position (look it up) is a great angle and, while the shooter will have to do more work than the target, chances are it will be well worth it.

Most importantly, it’s about switching it up every couple of minutes or so. Say, start with the man sitting in the chair, followed by in front of a mirror, then on the bed, before switching into the Throat Swabbing Position. Much like men will get tired of just lapping at a girl like a dog drinking water on a hot summer day, it’s important for the woman to break her routine as well. Otherwise, her mouth can crump and it will be very uncomfortable for both of you.

Good Luck!

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