Hump Wednesdays: Phallic Shaped Food? Animal Balls? Thanks, But No Thanks

Whatever woman has come in contact with Andrew Zimmerman’s DNA is as symptomatically psychotic as that Man vs. Wild dude and whatever Stepford Wife spawned with him. It bothers me how both those men will stick anything in their mouth without hesitation.

My love for food goes unmatched, but phallic-shaped foods is one line I can not yet cross.  Even hot dogs. I’ve sat at baseball games waiting until everyone was involved with their own food order before I took so much as a bite from my hot dog.

Perhaps it’s my perverted mind, but every time I see someone throwing back a hot dog all I can picture is them naked and lusting for head. And in similar fashion, I assume others think the same of me when I’ve got a hot dog deep in my throat.

In an interview with a travel magazine, Andrew Zimmerman shamelessly talks about his job as animal ball eater:

“I have eaten the following testicular treats, often times accompanied by the penis as well: snake, yak, cow, goat, rooster, duck, goose, donkey, water buffalo, frog, deer, elk and probably about a dozen others. The balls are great, especially on smaller animals and when eaten extremely fresh. Rooster balls are one of my faves, they are not too gamey, very creamy and when steamed, then quickly pan crisped and served with hot chiles and lime, they are addictive in the extreme.”

The man clearly needs medical help.

As I sit here and watch Mr. Zimmerman on the television, I watch in disgust as he boasts of the Elephant Trunk Clam about to be prepared by a chef in some Asian country for his consumption.

The Elephant Trunk Clam, a ridiculously large saltwater clam native to the northwestern United States and Canada, can weigh up to 30 lbs. and is considered a delicacy in most Asian cultures.

Many Asian cultures also believe the clam enhances male performance.  With a shell that averages eight inches, and their meaty neck being able to reach one meter in length, it’s easy to see why men would think the phallic-shaped clam may be the answer to their short and inadequate tool.

Back from commercial break and now the chef preparing the meal explains the best way to cook the elephant trunk clam is to boil it and then remove it’s exterior skin. The clam’s skin bears a great resemblance to the lining encasing sausages.

That is until you see them begin to peel the skin from it’s dildo-shaped counterpart. Then it bears a stronger resemblance to a used condom filled with some dude’s DNA preserves. Most likely Andrew Zimmerman’s. That man is into poking animals in the whiskers and we all know it.

Following the removal of the trunk’s lining, the clam is separated from its shell and sliced into a more manageable food shape. All the while the chef holding this ginormous clam that could easily replace Mexico’s famous donkey shows.

And really, the clam isn’t that big a deal when you consider how many animal balls his intestines have rid him of. The man willingly bites, chews, and swallows animal balls, a part of the anatomy which holds animal semen. Does this frighten anyone else as it does me?